Perspective or Watching My Husband Summersault Down A Cliff

Top of our cliff looking down

As a preface to this post, it is important to note that my family and I lived in a house situated directly adjacent to a cliff.  And not the bottom of said cliff, at the top of this cliff. I was initially hesitant about buying a property that included a cliff but I really grew to appreciate it. It came with great views and was a great place to chuck yard debris.  

In August 2017, on one of the hottest days of the year, I walked out in the backyard and approached the edge of the cliff to see my husband, Aaron, disappearing over the edge hanging on to a rope with a hastily tied knot.  The knot promptly untied and he went arse over tip down the side.  As he was summersaulting down the side of the cliff I said "I thought that might happen."  Simultaneously, he was fearing for his life and wondering why I was so nonchalant about his demise.  

My lack of concern was really adding insult to injury because he had spent the day dealing with backed up plumbing.  In addition to a cliff, our home also had a plumbing system with a habit of flooding the basement bathroom (you can read about our plumbing saga).

The attempted climb down the cliff was in pursuit of our Shop Vac, which he had dropped when attempting to dump the water he had vacuumed up dealing with the plumbing fiasco.  

So, Aaron is contemplating his imminent death after a day of vacuuming toilet water from the bathroom for roughly the 249th time, he is at least happy that he won't be dealing with plumbing ever again.  He is, however, very miffed that I didn't express any alarm.  

Before you assume my lack of alarm was because I was expecting to cash in on his life insurance, let me explain.  I had something that my poor husband was lacking.  That something was perspective.  I could see very clearly that he was going to do a complete backward summersault and then come to a stop on a ledge with a cushy tangle of English Ivy and a nice stump acting as a railing. (His landing was a little sideways, so I gave him a 9.5!)

Creek at the bottom of the cliff.

Once he stopped rolling and regained his composure, he located the Shop Vac and three of its four wheels.  The fourth wheel was lost forever more to the English Ivy.  He carefully picked the rest of the way down, walked across the bottom of our property and climbed up the trail we had on the other side of our cliff.  He appeared just in time to be introduced to the plumber who had recently arrived to assess the situation. 

The plumber was very alarmed to learn Aaron had just fallen down a cliff and was also confused by my lack of alarm.  The plumber also lacked perspective. He calmed down when I explained about the soft landing.

Several hours later, it was my turn to be panicked.  We were luxuriating in the shower with our fully functioning plumbing when my husband said "Look at what I found in my butt, honey!"  I was completely lacking in perspective because I wasn't wearing my glasses and all I could see was a darkish blob. My initial response was some level of alarm, after all, nothing good comes out of someone's hind end!   My alarm dissipated when I realized that he had a stick and a couple leaves, which he had picked up during his tumbling exercise.   

Our perspective is one of the keys to understanding emotional reactions.  I had zero panic about Aaron's fall because I could see from my vantage point at the top of the cliff that he was going to have a soft landing after a short tumble.  Aaron experienced complete panic because he was the one tumbling down the side of a cliff.  The plumber had mild panic hearing about it because it sounded terrible but Aaron was not obviously injured. 

When feeling panicked, or anxious, or overwhelmed, etc., checking your perspective can shift your emotional experience. Getting a new perspective on your situation isn't always easy but is certainly more feasible than mid-summersault down a cliff!  

    

Spent Blossoms

Remember that the end of one thing, no matter how catastrophic, is the beginning of another.

Be patient, my friend, while we wait for winter to pass.

The bleakness of spent blossoms brings the assurance of flowering again.  

Tipped Straws

We were in the car after making it through a Taco Bell drive through.

My sweety

I know, gross.  But my husband had been sick and when he is sick he wants to eat the grossest, greasiest stuff he can get his hands on. 

I didn't part take of this feast because I have allergies, and Taco Bell grosses me out too much anyhow.

We got back on the freeway, heading home after a trip to the Emergency Department to ensure that he didn't have appendicitis.  He didn't, he had some horrible intestinal virus that did a convincing job of acting like appendicitis.

As we drove along, he tipped the straw of the iced tea towards my mouth so that I could have a slurp. 

With that small movement, much of my stress faded away and I felt completely loved. 

It has been a tough run the last few months.

Without going into excruciating detail, we have had the loss of beloved pets, a sick & mentally ill family member who has been a danger to self and others, some work related crises, my daughter started middle school, family conflict and etc.

Oh, and all this was happening with Lyme Disease and our treatment ever present in the background.

It has really sucked. 

But what has made the sucking bearable is the small things like a straw tipped towards my mouth.

Napping with the critters on a Saturday afternoon.
Can you find all 4?

Or laughing hysterically when we really didn't have any business laughing.

Or napping with the dogs and cats on a rainy afternoon. 

So very many things can go wrong all at once, it is easy to lose perspective.

It is easy to focus on all the things that are totally going wrong versus the things that are totally going right. 

Certainly, all the things going wrong needed some attending to.

But having that as my primary focus would have crushed me. 

I could be flattened by depression and anxiety right now.

I continue to get up every morning and enjoy my life because I remember that my life is more than the stresses, the pressures and the responsibilities. 

I certainly don't enjoy every moment of my life, because like I said, we have had some serious sucking around here.  And, sadly, there are somethings that are unresolved and I am fairly certain will create more sucking. 

However, I do very much enjoy my life because I remember all the parts that make up my life and while I am aware of all that sucks, it is not my focus all the time. 

So find your tipped straws people. They are there, I promise. 

Little Miss Mini-Me Perfectionist

I used to think that perfectionism was made, not born.

Then I had my daughter.

She was a born perfectionist.

I know this to be true because she started doing perfectionist type things before she even had a vocabulary.

My earliest evidence of this was when she was approximately 4 months old.

We were introducing her to rice cereal and I saw her little eyes following my hand as I filled the spoon with cereal and sent it to her mouth.

She grabbed the spoon, attempted to get some of the rice cereal and direct it to her mouth.

This was a spectacular failure, of course because she had the hand-eye coordination and gross motor control on of a 4 month old infant.

She then scrunched her eyes shut and proceeded to scream with all her might.

Trying solid food for the first time, this was right
before she tried to do it by herself.  

The kid was pissed that she could not do this by herself and had no concept that this was beyond her current capabilities.  

You might think it is a bit of stretch to describe an infant as a perfectionist but I don't know what else to call someone who has unreasonably high expectations and is upset when they can't meet their expectations.  

I'd already been undoing my own perfectionist tendencies but when I saw that, I really doubled down. I didn't want to reinforce anything with my own behavior.

When she got older, my husband and I started coaching her on establishing reasonable expectations, learning from mistakes and not taking failure at a task to heart.

That might be a bit much for a toddler, but having been a perfectionist my entire life, I could see the writing on the wall.

We did much of our coaching via Legos because my daughter has always loved building with Legos.  She would have a vision of what she wanted to construct and set out to complete it.   

If everything went smoothly, then no problem.  

If not, then we would commence coaching.  She'd say things like "I can't ever get it right" or "I'm not good a this" or "This is too hard for me."  

We'd say things like "That's not true, you just made an amazing car yesterday" or "You are trying a new technique, it takes some time to learn" or "Trying something new is hard at first, it will get easier if you keep at it."  

We emphasized the importance of understanding that people are not immediately good at everything, that learning is not always smooth and easy, and mistakes just highlight where we need to learn more. 

We also spent a lot of time emphasizing that she learned and grew at a different rate than her friends, so comparing herself to their progress was not super helpful.

There were a lot of melt-downs, mostly on her part but occasionally me too.

It is incredibly frustrating when your child refuses to do something, say tying her shoes, believing they are incapable, when you know for a fact shoe tying is a skill she can learn.  

And, I am a very goal-directed person, so it is really, really, hard for me to re-route.  I just want to push her through it.  

So, per usual, I had to do my own personal growth.  

I don't know about you, but having a kid has pushed me to grow as a human more than any other endeavor, except possibly marriage!

So, I practiced patience, and if you ask my mother, she will tell you that is not my strong suit.

And I practiced patience some more, and if you ask the rest of my family they would concur with my mother.  

While I was practicing patience, we continued coaching our daughter.  Helping her learn that mistakes are a normal part of learning and managing her expectations seems to have paid off.

This was day 3 of riding lessons

She recently had two weeks of horseback riding lessons.  

Because it was an entirely new skill set, it was difficult for her.  She really struggled.

But rather than freaking out or quitting, which would have been her response a couple years ago, she used mistakes to direct her learning and was excited about making progress.  She was not focused on being perfect.    

It was such a joy to see.  

Perfectionism is hard to live with and the energy devoted to trying to be perfect is better used elsewhere.  

I'm excited to see her continued growth, which is one of my favorite parts of parenting. 

Also, I love horses, so I am not at all sad that she wants to continue with that activity! 

A Short Story About Plumbing

A short story about our plumbing: Not long after moving in our home 5 1/2 years ago, the plumbing backed up and flooded part of the downstairs. 

Plumber showed up- "probably tree roots, blah, blah blah. Use this stuff." We paid $$$. 

Plumbing backed up again, this time some other explanation,"blah blah blah." $$$. 

Backed up again. "Blah blah blah" $$$. 

The new, fully functional drain pipe.

My husband, Aaron tries to fix it himself but the drain snake isn't long enough. 

Plumber, "blah, blah, blah," $$$. 

Aaron decides enough is enough and buys an 80 FOOT drain snake. Clears the drain himself several times. 

Eventually surmises that the drain snake is clearing a blockage so far down the pipe that it is in the city's pipe. 

Call out the city- they decide, "Nope, it your problem." 

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. 

Had the city out a few more times. 

Had a few more plumbers. 

One plumber tells us the main drain pipe out of the house has a sag that is causing everything to back up. It will cost approximately $5000 to fix. 

This was last summer. We were way too overwhelmed with the symptoms Lyme Disease & treatment to deal with it. So we procrastinated. 

When he felt well enough a few weeks ago, Aaron started to dig out the pipe. We were planning on getting it done and trying to figure out how to do it inexpensively. We weren't sure how to meet those two goals, recognizing that Aaron operates at about 50% capacity most of the time. 

This morning- 71 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off, the city rang the door bell and informed us that we couldn't use our water because they were fixing their part of the sewer system. 

THE PART THEY HAVE SAID ALL ALONG WASN'T BROKEN AND INSISTED THAT IT WAS OUR PROBLEM!! Turns out their part (a concrete pipe) WAS TOTALLY CRUSHED so of course stuff eventually built up and backed up into the downstairs of our house. 

I'm guessing they won't be paying for us to remodel the downstairs bathroom. 

The story could stop here... I could just marinate in irritation that we dealt with the problem for 5 1/2 years and were about spend a ton of money on something that wouldn't fix the problem.

Or...

I can reframe, which is often called "Looking on the bright side." 

I prefer to use the term reframe because sometimes people get irritated when you tell them to look on the bright side.

So, the reframe for this situation that this is one time procrastination paid off and we don't have to scrape together $5000!

Cue celebration!  Now the time and energy we would have to devote to this problem can be devoted to something else.

Hopefully, that means we will finally build a tree house for my daughter, which is another thing that has been pending for 5 1/2 years!  

Now I can marinate in relief and excitement, which is so much better!

$11.00 an Hour?!

"$11.00 an hour?!"

This is what I said to myself in shock and horror after I finished calculating how much I made per hour.

Because I own my own practice as a licensed clinical psychologist, I am not an employee and I don't have a consistent salary.  So, I had to do math to figure out my average income per hour. I charge the same no matter what but the reimbursement varies based on a bunch a factors that are too boring to discuss in detail here!

The $11.00 per hour discovery sent me into a huge career crisis. I really expected that my bottom line would be better.

Me and the guy who balances the checkbook.

I was horribly disappointed and was in a huge funk all day long.

When my husband got home from work, I told him about my shocking discovery.

He looked at me like a deer in the headlights.

He has a work flow for these situations- situations where I am really confident and he knows I am way, way off base.

His first step is cringe, inwardly, because he doesn't want to alarm me, especially when I am already upset.

His second step is to identify the problem while also complimenting me.

In this instance it looked something like "I appreciate your work on this and you are very cute, but that can't possibly be true."

I can get indignant and generally I insist that I am right.  I'm also a pretty confident person and sometimes this backfires.  In this instance, I was relieved because, $11.00 an hour with a doctorate is absurd.

If I insist I am right, he tries steps 1 (deer in headlights) and 2 (identify problem and provide compliment) again.

Then usually I am ready to hear his input.  My husband explains his understanding of the situation, in this case where I went wrong with the math.

Usually I argue a few minutes (or more but I don't want to admit that, shhhh!) and he tries again.

(I'd like to take a minute here to express my thanks to the Universe that my husband is so patient!)

Eventually I can see the situation more clearly. And over time I have learned I have some persistent blind spots.

Math for example.  Despite doing poorly in nearly every math class and never, ever being able to balance a checkbook, I always assume my calculations are correct.

And then I make assumptions accordingly, which is why I had a career crisis.

I know I am bad at math, yet I frequently assume that my numbers are correct.  This, by the way, is the definition of insanity.  Doing the same thing over and over, expecting the outcome to be different.

I have finally learned to ask myself  "does this seem reasonable?" when I get some ridiculous number. Because this is the definition of good mental health, when you constantly run into the same problem, figure out different behaviors!

Don't get me wrong, confidence is a good thing. The answer isn't becoming insecure about myself in general. 

The answer is to pay attention to the feedback you are getting from the larger world.

Every action has a reaction. This is true of physics and this is true of behavior.

If I consistently screw up math it makes sense to change my behavior.  With math it is to be skeptical of my answers and ask for someone to go over my numbers.  (And also to brush up on multiplication tables! No, that's a lie, actually learn my multiplication tables!)

If I experience the same problem over and over in different contexts, that doesn't mean there is something wrong with everyone around me.  It means I am doing something to elicit a consistent pattern of responses from those around me.

I once knew a medical doctor that had the exact same complaint about every medical practice he had worked at. I don't remember the complaint, but he had worked at four or five medical practices across two states. The only consistent factor was him. This suggests that it was his behavior that was the problem, not the medical practices.

There are exceptions to this rule, I am sure, but it works as a good basic guideline.*

We all have blind spots and we can identify those blind spots when we take time to process the feedback we get from life, be that a calculator or loved one!


*individuals in abusive relationships need to ensure that the feed back they are getting in genuinely from many sources, not just their partner because abusive partners engage in gaslighting, which seeks to make the victim question their grasp on reality in all areas.  More information is available here.

Dingy Whites: Or How We Are Shaped By Our Beliefs and Expectations

Do you remember this commercial?

I do.

Only I didn't remember that I remembered it until I was folding laundry.  

That's because of these shirts.  The shirt on the bottom is one of my husband's thermal  shirts that he has had for a while. The shirt on top is brand new.

I cringed when I saw the old shirt because it was just so gross and embarrassing. 

I pointed this out to my husband and he shrugged.  He's not the kind of guy that cares about clothes.  

He works from home so he mostly wears thermal shirts and fleece pj bottoms.  Getting "dressed up" involves blue jeans and a clean t-shirt.  

Then I got to thinking. Where in the world did I get this idea that bright white clothes were even a thing?  Why was I embarrassed by a shirt?    

80's commercial television, that's where.  

I was a kid in the 80's and I wasn't even paying attention to detergent commercials.  

But they were there, establishing a set of beliefs I didn't even know I had.

The belief that dingy whites are gross and embarrassing.

Admittedly, this isn't that big of a deal.  I can either get over it or I can start using Oxydol.  

However, our underlying beliefs and expectations about ourselves and the world we live in are a big deal.

These beliefs and expectations shape how we feel about ourselves, other people, our homes, our jobs, our country and our world.  

If I have the belief that other people are mostly out for themselves; self-absorbed jerks who don't care- then my interactions with others will feel hostile.  I will interpret the unfriendly cashier at the grocery store as being intentionally hurtful. 

That is the kind of stuff that ruins days.  

If I approach that same situation with the mindset that everyone is just doing the best they can, then I interpret the behavior of the grumpy cashier much differently.  Changing my expectation changes how I interpret the situation. This allows me to see that the grumpy cashier is tired and having a bad day.

This applies to each and every interaction we have, including our interactions with ourselves.

If I believe that I am stupid, then I interpret the mishaps that occur every day, such as losing my keys, as evidence that I am stupid. 

That is also the kind of stuff that ruins days.  Give it enough time and those kind of thoughts also create depression and anxiety.   

If I believe I am capable, then I interpret those same mishaps much differently. Losing my keys is just something that happens and I don't devote much emotional energy to it.  

This sounds fairly straight forward, right?  

Unfortunately, like my unhappiness with dingy whites, many of our beliefs are unconscious.  They were "programmed" into our brains before we even started Kindergarten.  We are constantly receiving messages about what to believe and expect.  

If our beliefs and expectations are not healthy or are not accurate, it creates a lot of distress.  

So how can you figure out your unconscious beliefs and expectations?

A good place to start is to be aware when you have an emotional reaction to a situation that is stronger than seems reasonable.  

Going back to the dingy whites example, it was weird that seeing the difference between the two shirts made me feel embarrassed.  This prompted me to spend more time thinking about where that feeling came from.  

Or if you are consistently feeling disappointed, you might want to check your expectations.  Feeling frequently disappointed is a sign that your expectations are too high.  Adjusting your expectations can dramatically improve your emotional experiences.

Also, the books When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life and Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy are helpful in identifying and changing underlying thought processes that are not helpful.  

Therapy is also a valuable tool in learning more about your underlying beliefs and expectations.  Most primary care providers can make referrals to good therapists in your area.  

Thoughts underlie our feelings so it is important to figure out how to wrangle them.  

For my part, I've decided the whites are just going to be dingy because I don't want to spend any more time on the laundry than I already do!  



  

Back to Normal

"We'll get back to normal," I tell myself.  

"Our life won't be like this forever, we will have our normal life again," I reassure myself as we have gone through treatment for Lyme Disease.  

I am two years and two months into my treatment.  My husband is one year and eight months into his treatment.  

We weren't well before our diagnoses and were gradually getting worse, so a diagnosis was a relief.  

But treatment also made our symptoms, and therefore our functioning, worse.  

The process of killing off the bacteria that causes Lyme Disease really wreaks havoc on the body.  In the short term this made everything worse.  

So, I kept telling myself we would be back to normal when we were done with treatment.  

However, as I am feeling better and approaching the end of my treatment, I realize that we won't be getting back to normal.  

The life we had before Lyme has been erased.  The passage of time alone is enough to make our lives different.

However, the consequences of treatment, both good and bad ensure that the old normal will never be had again.  

Instead we will be developing a new normal.  

And so it is for all of life's changes.  

The new normal could be an improvement or not, depending on how we navigate the events leading to the new normal.

In our case, we have developed a life that includes only the essentials.  Energy is a precious resource and we learned to use it on the important things.  Non-essential activities fell by the wayside.  

If it was something we loved, we hung on to it as much as possible.  If it wasn't necessary or wanted, it was tossed.  

Clothing that required special handling? Gone.

Folding underwear?  Not any more.

Obsessing about the house and scrubbing the tile with a toothbrush? To the curb.  

Unnecessary social activities?  100% out.  

Also, other people's poor planning or lousy choices are no longer our emergency.  

I used to have a huge problem bailing family members out of various crises.  Not so much anymore.  I'm still tempted but if no one is dying and they are experiencing the consequences of their actions, I'm out.    

I've had the opportunity to become more balanced in my approach to life.  I have more reasonable expectations and I am less of a perfectionist.  I've also learned to rest.  Being idle was nearly impossible for me at the start of this process.  I am so much better at just enjoying life.    

My husband has the opportunity to discover interests and parts of himself he wasn't able to explore in his younger years.  He has realized that he enjoys photography and being outdoors.  He has also realized that he has a tendency to run himself into the ground.  Being sick has created an opportunity for him to learn to take care of himself, to say no and respect his limitations.  

And, that is the thing.  Every event in our lives is an opportunity.  We can use it to grow or we can simply suffer.  

It is all in how we look at it.  

My initial mindset was "Why me?"  It quickly became evident that the "why me?" mindset wasn't helpful.

What was helpful was asking "What is essential? What can go?  What opportunities are here for me to be a better person? What can I learn?  What strategy can I try? Do I have reasonable expectations? Do I need to ask for help?  Do I need to rest?"

That approach got me through the worst of the symptoms and will help me develop a new normal.  

I'm excited to learn more about our new normal as we complete our treatment.  

Acting As Though All Is Well

Recently two well-known individuals, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain died by suicide.  Honestly, I don't know much about either of these people.

But I can tell you that they were amazing actors.

Depression creates some of the best actors in the world.

A friend of Kate Spade, Fern Mallis, stated that she was "the last person on earth you'd think would take their life."  

Of Anthony Bourdain, “He was normal, normal. Just like himself,” chef Jean-Yves Schillinger stated.  

Those closest to them echo the same refrain- they had no idea, it was a total shock, it was incomprehensible.

Yes, yes and yes.  

Because of stigma, cultural norms and often the desire to not worry loved ones; people with depression put on a happy face and carry on (more about that here). 

Depression feels like walking through life with your feet stuck in buckets of hardened cement while having someone tag along narrating every single thing you are doing wrong, how hopeless everything is, how pointless life is, how nothing will ever be better, how much better the universe would be if you were no longer breathing.  

At very least, the narrator whispers that death is the only way to escape the pain.

Suicide doesn't occur in a vacuum, it happens when the pain gets too high and hope disappears.  

There is no space in our world for these feelings to be openly expressed.  

What we get is bullshit like "look on the bright side," "but so many have it worse," and my personal favorite "have you tried praying?"  

The latter was said to me while I was sobbing hysterically in my dorm room my freshman year of college.

I was attending a Christian college, had been raised in a Christian home and at the point identified as Christian.  Of course I'd tried praying.  What the fuck else would I do?    

My depression is the result of Bipolar Affective Disorder Type II (click here for more information). I was diagnosed at age 19, started Prozac at age 20 and have been on an anti-depressant for 23 years (more on on my journey here and here).   

I have experienced severe depression but only fleeting suicidal ideation.  I have also had times where I felt like my daughter would be better off if I let her be raised by her dad and I moved far, far away.    

Other's are not so lucky.  Their depression becomes so severe that they believe the best option, the only option is death.  Many suicidal people even believe that their family members would be better off if they were dead.  

So, we slog through life.  We put on a happy face.  We do well at work or school.  We go through the motions. 

I got straight A's, was president of the psychology honor society and had many friends while severely depressed.  I've showed up at my job as a psychologist, severely depressed and helped other depressed people.   

We act like we do not have a mental illness. 

Brilliantly acting as though all is well.   

Until we are so exhausted that we can no longer put one heavy foot in front of the other.

Some of us let someone in enough to help us access treatment. On average, people wait approximately 10 years before even seeking treatment.  I cried on the phone to my mom every evening for months and she eventually determined that it wasn't just homesickness.  She got me an appointment with the school counselor which started my journey of managing my mental illness.

Others of us need someone to ask "How are you really doing?"  "Are you depressed?"  "Do you think of dying?"  "Do you want to kill yourself?"

Asking won't hurt.  It might open a door for someone who can't do it themselves.  Mentioning suicide will not cause someone to be suicidal. 

Asking creates a space for acknowledging painful feelings.  Having it spoken creates a sense of relief.

Because you know you are not alone.  
Because you can stop the act.  

Just ask. 
Just speak it.  
Create the space. 

If you have depression or are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help.  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

For more information about how to help people struggling with mental illness please go to https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/

Wine Glasses & Perfectionists

I was at my sister-in-law's house the other day ago.

It is always fun to go over there because she usually feeds us and any day I don't have to be responsible for dinner is a good day.

Also, my niece and nephew are teenagers who seem to really enjoy entertaining my daughter, so I actually get to engage in adult conversation without interruption!

As a side note, I heard the phrase, "Are you part of this conversation?" frequently as a child.  So, whatever hassle my parents had to endure in raising a nosy little girl has now come full circle.

As I was standing in my sister-in-law's kitchen eating food she provided, having uninterrupted adult conversations, I noticed a set of wine glasses.

They were very pretty, with sparkly glass. The stems had copper wire wound around them with little stones threaded on the copper.

They caught my eye and I said "Hey, Stace, I like your wine glasses."

She looked at me and laughed.

Then I said, "Wait! Did I make those? I think I made those!"

After a bit more laughter she said "Yes you made those for me."

Huh.

After a moment's reflection I noted, "I like my stuff a lot more when I don't know it is mine."

Because perfectionism.

I am a perfectionist in recovery.

Perfectionists are people who have high expectations of themselves (and often others,too) and strive for flawlessness.

I know I don't need to say this but perfectionism is a recipe for disaster.

Perfection is not an option in our topsy-turvy world.  Good enough is a more appropriate mantra.

Perfectionism renders all outcome as lacking, all effort as below standards.

It is a fast way to depression and anxiety, actually.

While I have made vast improvements in having realistic expectations of myself and focusing on good enough, my inner perfectionist does sneak in and start issuing orders.

Seeing the wine glasses for what they really are, rather than through my perfectionist eyes, serves as a good reminder that perfectionism is a distorted way of looking at the world, where nothing is good enough.

When, in reality, everything is good enough.

Solving the Problem of January

Candles help create hygge.

HOO-gah.

Not hoo-RAH, the traditional greeting for Marines.

And not Ah-CHOO, the sound of sneezing,

Or ooh-GAH, like those old-fashioned car horns.

HOO-gah.

Which is actually spelled hygge.

If you are confused about how the sound HOO-gah can come from the word hygge, do not despair.

Hygge is a Danish word.

I don't speak Danish but I am taking their word.  I hope Denmark doesn't mind.

There isn't a direct translation, it is one of these words that are culturally specific.

Like, I imagine that it is hard to translate "groovy" to Japanese or "fleek" into Swahili.

Despite the translation difficulties hygge is my key to solving the problem of January.

January can be pretty but it is usually grey & dreary.  

The problem of January, is of course, that is is dreary, cold, with little sunlight and no holidays to brighten things up.

I historically despise January.

January historically despises me right back.

Usually it gives me a major depressive episode.  Or at least a minor one.  But depression. Depression is always part of the package.

February isn't great either but it is shorter and also contains Valentine's Day. That usually gives me a little bit of extra pep to survive until spring.

January, though, it has got nothing.

Enter hygge.

Hygge is a feeling of contentment and well-being.

Hygge is generated from focusing on simple pleasures such as feeling cozy when it is cold outside.  Or the enjoyment you get from fuzzy socks and warm drinks.

Or the enjoyment you get from watching a fire or holding a purring cat.

Candles also feature prominently in hygge.

One article I read said that Denmark has the most candles per capita in the world.

I suppose if you are going to have a world record for something, it might as well be something nice like candles.

Unlike Australia, which I think has the greatest number of deadly creatures per square mile or some such thing.

Hygge also includes a feeling of togetherness and conviviality.

Conviviality is not a regular part of my vocabulary either but I'm taking this word too.

It describes a friendly and enjoyable atmosphere or feeling.

January can't compete with hygge.

It just crumbles under the contentment and togetherness.

My version of hygge is to create a warm, cozy home environment focusing on time with my family and creating a sense of authentic togetherness.

Hygge is celebrating our family and this life we built together.

With lots and lots of tea and fuzzy socks.

Resolutions

Last year, my husband resolved "to eat more nachos."

He totally crushed that goal.  I think he had nachos about 100 days out of the year.

I've never been too big on resolutions because I figure I should be learning and growing as life presents me opportunities.

Although, I totally get that having a specific time to identify areas of needed growth is helpful.

In recent years I've made resolutions in 2005 and 2012.

It was the same for both years.  I resolved to "Grab the bull by the horns" in whatever form that took.

In the case of 2005, I left my first husband, fell in love, took my licensing exam and moved in with my new boyfriend.  (you can read a bit more about that here).

In the case of 2012, my current husband and I got legally separated so that we could buy a house (I wrote about that here), I started my own private practice, our daughter started Kindergarten and we moved into a new home.

It is kind of a nuclear resolution.

It has to pass through the chain of command in my psyche before the launch codes are released.

2017 is not the year for a nuclear response.

2017 is reserved for my husband and I being cured of Lyme Disease.  We're making progress and I am hopeful that by this time next year we will be healthy.

My 9 1/2 year old daughter, on the other hand, loves resolutions.

On New Year's Eve she asked us what our resolutions were.

This year his goal is to play with his virtual reality video gaming system more.

He'll crush that one too!

I decided that I would like to do more yoga, more art and be more patient.  I figure those are achievable even given our current limitations.

Also, my limitations give me LOTS of opportunities to be patient!

This is not my strong suit.  I've been known to stomp my foot due to impatience.  As and adult. In Target.

My daughter, with no prompting from either of her parents said "I want to be more kind and become a more helpful person."

!!

My mom with with us as well and I can't remember if she had a resolution.  My daughter swears that she said her goal was "to eat more corn tortillas."

I don't think this is accurate but it is totally achievable.

And all the New Year's resolution "experts" say that you're more likely to successful with realistic goals.

So, there's that.

Here's to a new year and a fresh start!

View of the End

I've lived through some large projects.

Like getting my doctorate.

That took 5 years after I got my bachelor's degree.

I knew the classes I needed to take, the number of clinical hours required and the steps to write my dissertation.

It was all mapped out and I could see older students complete the steps I was headed towards.

It was a pretty long time but I could see the end the entire time.

I've lived through an intense physical ordeal.

My pregnancy.

I hate to constantly be bringing that up but it was a very defining event that tested my husband and I to our cores.

That was 9 months.

I knew what to expect for each trimester, knew the approximate stage of development of my baby and knew the tasks we needed to complete before I gave birth to our daughter.

Nine months is a long time to be nauseated and vomiting but it really wasn't all that long.

I could see the end the entire time.

I've met major financial goals.

We went deeply into debt during my pregnancy.

Our choices were to pay off the debt or go bankrupt.

We opted to pay off the debt and it took 4 years.

I knew what our monthly payments were going to be, I knew the things we would have to go without and how much we would have to work.

I could see the end the entire time.

I've even battled major depression, many, many times.

More times than I can remember, actually.

There are many unknowns with mental health treatment you would think I wouldn't have any sense of when I would feel better.

My depressive episodes mostly showed up in winter and were gone by spring.

I always knew if I could make it to my birthday in April, everything would be okay.

Even if I had a depressive episode that didn't fit the pattern, I always knew it would go away.

I always had ways to ease the burden; medication, therapy, and gardening.  

I could even see the end of my major depressive episodes.

But now,  we are in the midst of all this Lyme treatment.

There is no map, there are no people who have had the same treatment plan, and there are no timelines.

Everyone with this disease responds very differently, so the treatment plan and the length of treatment evolve as you go along.

I despise the lack of a definite series of steps or timeline.

I cannot see the end of this.  It is there, somewhere, murky and in the future.

I'd rather know that this was going to take 5 years with a predictable end point, than have a bunch of unknowns for 3 years.

I find security in the known.

Most people do.  Humans don't generally appreciate the unknown.

I've had many clients who would rather stick with an uncomfortable known that try for the possibility of a better life because the unknown is so terrifying.

Only by walking with them into the unknown are they willing to give something new a try.

I've walked the path of healing with many people and can assure another client that I have seen good things happen.

I ask them to have faith in me and in the process that it will be worth it in the end.

And now, here I am walking the path of healing with no end in sight.

Photo taken by S. Clark

I have to have faith that there is an end even if I can't see it.

Faith is not my best skill.

I'm more of a see it, touch it, test it kind of girl.

Life has an amazing way of giving me an opportunity to learn skills that I am lacking.

Which is what I tell myself when I am dealing with something I don't want to do!

That, and I often remind myself of a quote from Elizabeth Kublar Ross,

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

I am a beautiful person in the making.

Thank you life.