What a Vote for Donald Trump Means to Me

The president is the type of man that exploits, abuses, and manipulates others to meet his own ends. (Note: yes some abusers are women, however the majority are men)  This type of man is an abuser; abusers may appear different on the outside, but the basic behaviors are the same. It is just the façade that differs.  Abusers want power and control. They don’t care who is harmed, so long as they get what they want.  They lie, coerce, gaslight, sexually assault, emotionally abuse, physically abuse, manipulate, and financially control others. The abuser minimizes, denies, blames, and vilifies others to detract from their own transgressions. This is behavior that our President publicly demonstrates on a regular basis.

 

My background of working with survivors of domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual assault means my knowledge comes from experience. Many of my clients are recovering from being exploited, abused and/or sexually assaulted by this type of man.  There are people who have had their PTSD triggered every day since campaigning began in the summer of 2016 because of their exposure to Trump's behavior. This type of behavior is not leadership, it is abuse. Because of his behavior, and the Republican Party's willingness to enable him,  Trump's presidency had allowed other perpetrators to feel they have permission to exploit, manipulate and abuse.  His behavior legitimizes their behavior.  The President has undermined the lifework of all service professionals, including myself and my husband,  who work with survivors of violence and abuse. 

 

This is not normal. This is not okay. This is not like any other president in my lifetime, even though we have had some deeply flawed presidents who made very poor decisions (sex with an intern, for example). I know some people voted for him as an attempt to make changes to the politics they were tired of. However, the changes that need to be made cannot be done at the hands of an abuser. He was not the answer then and he is not the answer now. 

 

I endeavor to be flexible and inclusive of different ideas, philosophies, and policies. However, I draw a definite line at abusive behavior.  The President’s abusive behavior is unacceptable and a vote for him is a vote to condone abuse. It demonstrates support for an individual who violates  every value I was raised with and strive to apply to my life’s work, personally and professionally. Put more simply, he is an abuser, and a vote for him means you are siding with an abuser.  I always side with the victims. It breaks my heart that so many I love and hold dear have fallen prey to this man and his abusive tactics.  I hope for better for all of us.

      

A note to the reader: I have primarily been unaffiliated with any political party.  I aligned with the Democratic party this year so that I could vote in the primaries and hopefully nominate a candidate with a broader appeal, not because I consider myself a Democrat.  My values typically align with more progressive policies, but I have voted for a variety of political parties and will continue to do so, depending on the issues at hand. So, this is not a Democrat vs. Republican stance.  

Breaking Free and a Reason for Hope

(A note to the reader: I am discussing aspects of history, racial equity, white supremacy, colonialism, and fundamentalist Christianity.  I am choosing to write about these things because I noticed a compelling intersection with my work as a psychologist assisting victims/survivors of violence leave abusive relationships. While I am generally well-read, I am not a historian, a scholar of racial inequity, a member of a racial minority, etc.  The themes and ideas I am writing about are very rough due to my need for further education in these concepts.  They are likely discussed by other more qualified individuals, with better clarity.)


People all over the country and the world are protesting in opposition to police brutality, specifically against Black Americans*.  The protests’ immediate trigger was the murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis by a police officer over an alleged counterfeit $20 bill.  This is one of many deaths of Black Americans at the hands of the authorities and it has been happening since the birth of our country. 

As the world erupted in protests, property was damaged or destroyed; police officers in some places escalated their violence. Everyone around me had strong reactions- anger about police brutality, anger about racism, anger about all cops being labeled as bad cops, anger about property destruction, anger about political polarization, anger about everything it seems.  

In addition to anger, the protests caused the collective level of anxiety to rise, skyrocketing above and beyond the already high levels due to the Covid-19 pandemic.  

My own anxiety also initially increased, but then I noticed that I had a sense of hope.  This is an unexpected reaction for the circumstances, so it caught my attention.  

After some reflection, I realized that I more hopeful because aspects of the protests and activism mirror my work with victims/survivors of domestic violence. 

This feels similar to helping women leave abusive relationships.  I have spent my entire career working with survivors of domestic violence, helping women leave abusive relationships and helping women protect their children against abusive ex-partners.  There is a distinct pattern to the process. 

The first stage of an abusive relationship involves tension-building.  During this stage there is mounting unhappiness on the part of the perpetrator.  The victim attempts to keep the peace in any capacity that they are able. She will anticipate as many of his wants and needs as possible to try to prevent an explosion that often leads to violence. 

The second stage is the crisis stage. This is when the perpetrator uses violence and/or manipulation to attempt to control his partner. The violence can be in the form of emotional abuse, escalating to physical violence and even death of the victim. The perpetrator will escalate his use of violence if the victim attempts to leave or resist the abuse.  

If the victim doesn’t leave the relationship and is still alive after the crisis stage, the relationship goes into the honeymoon stage. This is much like it sounds, the abuser makes amends.  He often acts the same as he did at the beginning of the relationship, gives gifts or expresses support. This is done to maintain control of the relationship. 

All phases of an abusive relationship have elements of power and control, described in the graphic to the right.  There is constant restriction and control in multiple facets of her life, always. 

As a country we are at the crisis stage.  Instead of continuing to experience the abuse, we are leaving the abusive relationship with white supremacy, colonialism, and fundamentalist Christianity, which are elements embodied in the criminal justice system's treatment of Black people.

I want to be clear that when I refer to the criminal justice system being a perpetrator of violence, I know not all people working in the criminal justice system are perpetrators, or that every police officer, corrections officer, judge, parole officer, etc. is a perpetrator.  My husband's cousin is a police officer and he was recently recorded hugging a protester.  One of our good friends is a corrections officer and he is known for his ability to de-escalate angry, agitated people.  I am well-aware that there are police officers, corrections officers, judges, parole officers, etc. doing their very best in a difficult situation.  Their efforts do not in any way negate the parallels between the criminal justice system and domestic violence perpetrators. Nor does it negate that we have a problem in the criminal justice system. 

There is ample statistical evidence that the justice system is unfairly and violently biased against Black Americans.  If the process was unbiased the percentage of Black Americans vs. the percentage of White Americans who are arrested, prosecuted and convicted would be approximately the same as the percentages of those groups in the general population.  They are not, even though the percentage of both populations that commit crimes is the same. Additionally, data kept by the FBI clearly shows Black people are much more likely to be seriously injured or die at the hands of police or in prison. 

Education and health outcomes are additional well-researched areas that demonstrate significant racial disparities in resources and outcomes.  This research demonstrates how white supremacy, colonialism and fundamentalist Christianity pervade all our institutions and alter how Black people are treated. 

As a culture, we are attempting to leave the relationship and our abusive partner, the criminal justice system, is escalating the violence and/or manipulation to keep us under its control.  In this case, it is the protesters and activists who are in the role of the woman attempting to extricate herself from the abusive relationship.  Institutions in the role of the abusive partner, such as police departments, are in some places escalating the violence to intimidate their partner back into the relationship. This is a very common tactic of domestic violence perpetrators.  

Some police departments are choosing a more conciliatory route, and are marching with the protesters, giving out hugs, etc.  Many of these departments and many of the individual officers are sincere.  In these instances, it is important to ensure that the conciliatory actions are backed up by the history of the department. If their history of treatment of Black American’s doesn’t line up with the more recent, conciliatory actions, manipulation may be part of the motivation. This is the perpetrator who brings flowers after he has shoved his wife against the wall, is kind and loving for a few weeks after he cracked her ribs and promises to never do it again.  

In both of those scenarios, what I have learned is if there is a plan where the woman has support in all the major areas of need, such as housing and income, bravely follows through and doesn't fall prey to the abuser’s aggression and/or manipulations, she can escape.  Yes, that is a lot of ifs, but I have seen happen many times, so I know it is possible.  Most of the time these men are bullies and bullies are cowards. They use aggression and violence to control others because they are so psychologically fragile.  If abusers are faced with a united front, one that doesn't succumb to their attempts to beat or manipulate their victims into silence, they can't tolerate the loss of control and they quit.  On an individual level, they often find a new victim. However, because we are doing this on a societal level, we have an opportunity to limit their ability to find new victims and cause harm.  

This gives me cause for hope and I write this to share my hope with you. 

As I sit here writing this, there are examples of many different groups uniting to bravely withstand the escalation of violence by refusing to fall prey to the aggression and violence directed at the protesters and activists. They are united by the core value that abuse is not okay. 

We have the momentum; it is important to keep going.  

*after research and consultation I decided to use the term Black American's rather than African-Americans because many Black Americans are from Caribbean countries and do not identify with the term African-American.  The use of  the term Black American is meant to be more inclusive.  I also opted to use the term Black American instead of People of Color (POC) since the current movement centers around Black Americans, although there are disparities in the treatment of individuals in other groups as well.  If you have feedback regarding these terms, please share them with me!

Wintertide

Wintertide

The glow of molten gold

illuminating the winter sky.

A gilt band amongst pewter,

encircling boughs of evergreen.

Beautiful Wintertide,

gold and silver intertwined with jade.

Spent Blossoms

Remember that the end of one thing, no matter how catastrophic, is the beginning of another.

Be patient, my friend, while we wait for winter to pass.

The bleakness of spent blossoms brings the assurance of flowering again.  

Tipped Straws

We were in the car after making it through a Taco Bell drive through.

My sweety

I know, gross.  But my husband had been sick and when he is sick he wants to eat the grossest, greasiest stuff he can get his hands on. 

I didn't part take of this feast because I have allergies, and Taco Bell grosses me out too much anyhow.

We got back on the freeway, heading home after a trip to the Emergency Department to ensure that he didn't have appendicitis.  He didn't, he had some horrible intestinal virus that did a convincing job of acting like appendicitis.

As we drove along, he tipped the straw of the iced tea towards my mouth so that I could have a slurp. 

With that small movement, much of my stress faded away and I felt completely loved. 

It has been a tough run the last few months.

Without going into excruciating detail, we have had the loss of beloved pets, a sick & mentally ill family member who has been a danger to self and others, some work related crises, my daughter started middle school, family conflict and etc.

Oh, and all this was happening with Lyme Disease and our treatment ever present in the background.

It has really sucked. 

But what has made the sucking bearable is the small things like a straw tipped towards my mouth.

Napping with the critters on a Saturday afternoon.
Can you find all 4?

Or laughing hysterically when we really didn't have any business laughing.

Or napping with the dogs and cats on a rainy afternoon. 

So very many things can go wrong all at once, it is easy to lose perspective.

It is easy to focus on all the things that are totally going wrong versus the things that are totally going right. 

Certainly, all the things going wrong needed some attending to.

But having that as my primary focus would have crushed me. 

I could be flattened by depression and anxiety right now.

I continue to get up every morning and enjoy my life because I remember that my life is more than the stresses, the pressures and the responsibilities. 

I certainly don't enjoy every moment of my life, because like I said, we have had some serious sucking around here.  And, sadly, there are somethings that are unresolved and I am fairly certain will create more sucking. 

However, I do very much enjoy my life because I remember all the parts that make up my life and while I am aware of all that sucks, it is not my focus all the time. 

So find your tipped straws people. They are there, I promise. 

Ju-ju Bee: The Cat That Ignored Me

I had to get a selfie to prove she
was paying attention to me!

I have a cat named Ju-ju Bee.  She is rather elusive to tell you the truth.  I have fewer pictures of her than all my other animals, including the chinchilla, who is nocturnal!  

Despite having been born in my closet, she has spent most of her 4 years of life ignoring me and all the other human members of our family.

She also mostly ignores her brother, Blizzy Boy.  

Ju-ju loves our St. Bernard the best.  She spends lots of time grooming Kona's face and rubbing her face all over Kona's face. She also occasionally naps with Kona. 

But people, nada.  Nothing. Zero. Zilch.  

Ju-Ju's bff Kona

She really could care less.

Well, unless she is out of food. When she is out of food she meows and looks at me pointedly.  

Otherwise, I and the rest of the family are non-entities.  

Until a few months ago when she started visiting me when I was eating breakfast.  She would sit on the table so I could pet her with one hand while I ate with the other.

Luckily, I am sort of ambidextrous. I can wield a spoon with my right hand while petting a cat with my left.   

So far I haven't attempted to eat the cat or pet my oatmeal.  

I see papers, I must sits!

A couple nights ago I was working on a project at the kitchen table and she did the typical cat thing-  she sat on my papers.  

This has literally never happened before.  

And she was purring and head-butting me. I've only heard her purr a few times.  Her brother is a constant purr machine.  He purrs so intensely that he drools.    

I seriously don't get it.  

If she was a person with such a drastic personality change I'd suspect drug use or a head injury.  

She's a cat though, and I am pretty sure I don't have some secret stash of cat nip in the house.  

So far she continues to ignore the rest of the family, human or canine.  

She graces me with her presence at breakfast and then spends the rest of the day doing important cat things.  

I'm curious to see if she progresses to sitting on my lap, or let's not get hysterical, sit by me on the couch.  

She is really the cattiest of cats I have ever known!  

Never a dull moment around here.  Just when I think I have stuff figured out, the Universe is like "Nope!  Just for funsies, Ju-ju is now going to pay attention to you! Hahahaha!!"  

I'll just consider it a gift from the Universe and be grateful there is never a boring moment around here!  

Little Miss Mini-Me Perfectionist

I used to think that perfectionism was made, not born.

Then I had my daughter.

She was a born perfectionist.

I know this to be true because she started doing perfectionist type things before she even had a vocabulary.

My earliest evidence of this was when she was approximately 4 months old.

We were introducing her to rice cereal and I saw her little eyes following my hand as I filled the spoon with cereal and sent it to her mouth.

She grabbed the spoon, attempted to get some of the rice cereal and direct it to her mouth.

This was a spectacular failure, of course because she had the hand-eye coordination and gross motor control on of a 4 month old infant.

She then scrunched her eyes shut and proceeded to scream with all her might.

Trying solid food for the first time, this was right
before she tried to do it by herself.  

The kid was pissed that she could not do this by herself and had no concept that this was beyond her current capabilities.  

You might think it is a bit of stretch to describe an infant as a perfectionist but I don't know what else to call someone who has unreasonably high expectations and is upset when they can't meet their expectations.  

I'd already been undoing my own perfectionist tendencies but when I saw that, I really doubled down. I didn't want to reinforce anything with my own behavior.

When she got older, my husband and I started coaching her on establishing reasonable expectations, learning from mistakes and not taking failure at a task to heart.

That might be a bit much for a toddler, but having been a perfectionist my entire life, I could see the writing on the wall.

We did much of our coaching via Legos because my daughter has always loved building with Legos.  She would have a vision of what she wanted to construct and set out to complete it.   

If everything went smoothly, then no problem.  

If not, then we would commence coaching.  She'd say things like "I can't ever get it right" or "I'm not good a this" or "This is too hard for me."  

We'd say things like "That's not true, you just made an amazing car yesterday" or "You are trying a new technique, it takes some time to learn" or "Trying something new is hard at first, it will get easier if you keep at it."  

We emphasized the importance of understanding that people are not immediately good at everything, that learning is not always smooth and easy, and mistakes just highlight where we need to learn more. 

We also spent a lot of time emphasizing that she learned and grew at a different rate than her friends, so comparing herself to their progress was not super helpful.

There were a lot of melt-downs, mostly on her part but occasionally me too.

It is incredibly frustrating when your child refuses to do something, say tying her shoes, believing they are incapable, when you know for a fact shoe tying is a skill she can learn.  

And, I am a very goal-directed person, so it is really, really, hard for me to re-route.  I just want to push her through it.  

So, per usual, I had to do my own personal growth.  

I don't know about you, but having a kid has pushed me to grow as a human more than any other endeavor, except possibly marriage!

So, I practiced patience, and if you ask my mother, she will tell you that is not my strong suit.

And I practiced patience some more, and if you ask the rest of my family they would concur with my mother.  

While I was practicing patience, we continued coaching our daughter.  Helping her learn that mistakes are a normal part of learning and managing her expectations seems to have paid off.

This was day 3 of riding lessons

She recently had two weeks of horseback riding lessons.  

Because it was an entirely new skill set, it was difficult for her.  She really struggled.

But rather than freaking out or quitting, which would have been her response a couple years ago, she used mistakes to direct her learning and was excited about making progress.  She was not focused on being perfect.    

It was such a joy to see.  

Perfectionism is hard to live with and the energy devoted to trying to be perfect is better used elsewhere.  

I'm excited to see her continued growth, which is one of my favorite parts of parenting. 

Also, I love horses, so I am not at all sad that she wants to continue with that activity!