Hijacked

I feel like vomiting out my brain.  It is not working and I would like to exchange it for a new one. I've tried writing about what it is like to be depressed in the past, but I realized that I can't do it when I am not depressed.  Well, I am depressed now and I wish I weren't.

Being depressed is like having your brain hijacked by a terrorist.  You really don't have control.  You can put in security measures and focus on prevention as best you can, but it can sneak through anyhow.  Once the bastard is on board, you can fight back and try to wrest the controls out of its hands, but there is no guarantee.   You can still crash and burn.

I am in the process of fighting my personal terrorist, it snuck past my security measures. All the things I can control, I am doing.  I take my medication, I take steps to get good sleep (although it doesn't always work), I eat right, I do things I enjoy and seek social support.  I haven't needed to see my therapist in a while, but I have an appointment now.  I also haven't exercised consistently, but I am now. Every aspect of my life I have control of I am setting the dials to full on fighting depression mode.  Unfortunately, it feels like my brain is going down, anyhow.  Stupid brain, stupid depression.

I haven't had a full crash and burn in years.  Just little bits of turbulence.  I was really okay with not remembering exactly what a major depressive episode felt like.  But, yet, here it is.  I feel mired in the mud of hopelessness and sadness.  I want to cry and cry and cry.  For no reason, no reason at all.  My days seem like a burden. All I want to do is sleep.

And for an extra special bonus, sometimes I have atypical depression, which means that I also have a lot of agitation and irritability.  I have road rage.  Once upon a time I flipped off a bunch of thugish looking young men in a sketchy neighborhood.  I feel full of hate and I can't manage my mouth.  Last night I told my husband that I had to ask our daughter to brush her teeth "800 times" and used a horrible, harsh voice.  She said "you only asked me two times" and then burst into tears.  I open my mouth and a monster comes out.  Don't I suck?  Now I have oppressive guilt because I am a bad mother.  

There is some of my rational brain left in there, the usual pilot isn't just cowering in the corner.  She just told me that everyone makes mistakes and I don't have to be a perfect mother, I have to just be good enough.  I love my normal pilot, she is so nice and I feel so undeserving it makes me want to cry.  She is my friend; Rational brain is still in charge of decision-making, the bastard depression has only got the controls of my feelings.  Stupid brain, stupid depression.

I've gone on this trip many times before.  For many, many years I was depressed twice a year, every year.  There were some very, very bad times where the idea of dying seemed like a wonderful relief.  I just wouldn't have to feel anymore.  I get why people commit suicide and I have a sense of how much pain they carried.  I get that depression took over their controls completely.  But at my very, very worst, rational brain was always in charge of the live or die question.  She always soundly held those controls and held them firmly on "live."

I learned during my first year of college, when I had a severe depressive episode, that my symptoms were the result of haywire brain chemistry.  I used that bit of information to shore up my rational brain.  I  also knew that I would come back out; this also kept rational brain going.  I learned that being hijacked was a temporary state, even if the hijacker managed to drive me into the ground in a ball of fire, I would rise from the ashes.  I always rise from the ashes.

But, oh how I wish the hijacker would go away once and for all.  I wish I didn't have to fight.  I wish I could go about my life as I was before.  But, that is not what I got.  What I got is depression.  And what that means is I will make sure rational brain keeps control of my decisions, because I know my choices limit the power of the hijacker.  It means I will never give up because I will always right my path and head back to mental health.  Ultimately, I am stronger than depression and that bastard hijacker won't have his hands on any controls.  He's going down, not me.

note to reader: I wrote this approximately 4 weeks ago and have improved since then.  I am not 100% back to cruising altitude but I am also not headed for a crash and burn.)

52 Week Creativity Challenge, Week 21- Spot On

"Spot On"
Photo taken on FujiFilm HS 35EXR, Edited in Picassa
by S. Clark

I had lived in Washington only a few months when I had my 30th birthday.  I had a birthday party and invited my co-workers, along with family members from all over the state. One of my new coworkers walked into my house, wished me happy birthday and said "I left you a roadie in the garage." This statement was confusing to me because I was under the impression that a roadie was an individual who worked for a band on tour, hauling gear.  I assumed that she wasn't actually getting me someone to haul my gear, although that would have been appreciated, I didn't have any other alternate ideas.  

After the party was over, I walked into my garage and found a rhododendron plant.  Oh! A "rhodie" not a "roadie"!  Having lived in the midwest and California all my life, the term rhodie was not in my vocabulary.   

Azaleas and rhododendrons blanket the Pacific Northwest. These shrubs are part of the genus Rhododendron are found in nearly every yard in this part of the country.  In 1892 the women residents of Washington voted that the state flower should be the Rhododendron macrophyllum, or Coast Rhododendron.  They wanted an official flower to represent the state in the 1893 World's Fair.  Washington had only been a state for 3 years at this point, so I am guessing the the voter turn out was pretty low!  The choices was narrowed down to clover versus a rhodie.

I am glad that they chose a rhodie.  I have come to really appreciate both azaleas and rhodies in the 10 years I have lived here.  My yard has several of both types of plants and I think they look much better than clovers.  My favorites are the ones with delicate spots near the center of the flowers.  They are spot on! 

52 Week Creativity Challenge, Week 20- Nuke

"Peaced Out Nuke Sign" Color Pencil Drawing
by S. Clark

Well, one can always hope....

52 Week Creativity Challenge, Week 19- And Then

"And Then...She Made A Goal!"
Taken on a FujiFilm FinePix HS 35 EXR
Edited in Google Chrome
By S. Clark

52 Week Creativity Challenge, Week 18- Now

"Green Blueberries"

New growth abounds in my gardens right now!  

"Honeysuckle Satellite"

I found these plants to because especially intriguing because their form is an unexpected departure from what we typically associate with spring and new growth. 

"Lily"

Also, these plants are not yet dominated by color, which makes the beauty of their form more evident.  

All three photos were taken on my new camera, a Fujifilm FinePix HS35EXR.  I didn't do any editing.