Tipped Straws

We were in the car after making it through a Taco Bell drive through.

My sweety

I know, gross.  But my husband had been sick and when he is sick he wants to eat the grossest, greasiest stuff he can get his hands on. 

I didn't part take of this feast because I have allergies, and Taco Bell grosses me out too much anyhow.

We got back on the freeway, heading home after a trip to the Emergency Department to ensure that he didn't have appendicitis.  He didn't, he had some horrible intestinal virus that did a convincing job of acting like appendicitis.

As we drove along, he tipped the straw of the iced tea towards my mouth so that I could have a slurp. 

With that small movement, much of my stress faded away and I felt completely loved. 

It has been a tough run the last few months.

Without going into excruciating detail, we have had the loss of beloved pets, a sick & mentally ill family member who has been a danger to self and others, some work related crises, my daughter started middle school, family conflict and etc.

Oh, and all this was happening with Lyme Disease and our treatment ever present in the background.

It has really sucked. 

But what has made the sucking bearable is the small things like a straw tipped towards my mouth.

Napping with the critters on a Saturday afternoon.
Can you find all 4?

Or laughing hysterically when we really didn't have any business laughing.

Or napping with the dogs and cats on a rainy afternoon. 

So very many things can go wrong all at once, it is easy to lose perspective.

It is easy to focus on all the things that are totally going wrong versus the things that are totally going right. 

Certainly, all the things going wrong needed some attending to.

But having that as my primary focus would have crushed me. 

I could be flattened by depression and anxiety right now.

I continue to get up every morning and enjoy my life because I remember that my life is more than the stresses, the pressures and the responsibilities. 

I certainly don't enjoy every moment of my life, because like I said, we have had some serious sucking around here.  And, sadly, there are somethings that are unresolved and I am fairly certain will create more sucking. 

However, I do very much enjoy my life because I remember all the parts that make up my life and while I am aware of all that sucks, it is not my focus all the time. 

So find your tipped straws people. They are there, I promise. 

Dingy Whites: Or How We Are Shaped By Our Beliefs and Expectations

Do you remember this commercial?

I do.

Only I didn't remember that I remembered it until I was folding laundry.  

That's because of these shirts.  The shirt on the bottom is one of my husband's thermal  shirts that he has had for a while. The shirt on top is brand new.

I cringed when I saw the old shirt because it was just so gross and embarrassing. 

I pointed this out to my husband and he shrugged.  He's not the kind of guy that cares about clothes.  

He works from home so he mostly wears thermal shirts and fleece pj bottoms.  Getting "dressed up" involves blue jeans and a clean t-shirt.  

Then I got to thinking. Where in the world did I get this idea that bright white clothes were even a thing?  Why was I embarrassed by a shirt?    

80's commercial television, that's where.  

I was a kid in the 80's and I wasn't even paying attention to detergent commercials.  

But they were there, establishing a set of beliefs I didn't even know I had.

The belief that dingy whites are gross and embarrassing.

Admittedly, this isn't that big of a deal.  I can either get over it or I can start using Oxydol.  

However, our underlying beliefs and expectations about ourselves and the world we live in are a big deal.

These beliefs and expectations shape how we feel about ourselves, other people, our homes, our jobs, our country and our world.  

If I have the belief that other people are mostly out for themselves; self-absorbed jerks who don't care- then my interactions with others will feel hostile.  I will interpret the unfriendly cashier at the grocery store as being intentionally hurtful. 

That is the kind of stuff that ruins days.  

If I approach that same situation with the mindset that everyone is just doing the best they can, then I interpret the behavior of the grumpy cashier much differently.  Changing my expectation changes how I interpret the situation. This allows me to see that the grumpy cashier is tired and having a bad day.

This applies to each and every interaction we have, including our interactions with ourselves.

If I believe that I am stupid, then I interpret the mishaps that occur every day, such as losing my keys, as evidence that I am stupid. 

That is also the kind of stuff that ruins days.  Give it enough time and those kind of thoughts also create depression and anxiety.   

If I believe I am capable, then I interpret those same mishaps much differently. Losing my keys is just something that happens and I don't devote much emotional energy to it.  

This sounds fairly straight forward, right?  

Unfortunately, like my unhappiness with dingy whites, many of our beliefs are unconscious.  They were "programmed" into our brains before we even started Kindergarten.  We are constantly receiving messages about what to believe and expect.  

If our beliefs and expectations are not healthy or are not accurate, it creates a lot of distress.  

So how can you figure out your unconscious beliefs and expectations?

A good place to start is to be aware when you have an emotional reaction to a situation that is stronger than seems reasonable.  

Going back to the dingy whites example, it was weird that seeing the difference between the two shirts made me feel embarrassed.  This prompted me to spend more time thinking about where that feeling came from.  

Or if you are consistently feeling disappointed, you might want to check your expectations.  Feeling frequently disappointed is a sign that your expectations are too high.  Adjusting your expectations can dramatically improve your emotional experiences.

Also, the books When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life and Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy are helpful in identifying and changing underlying thought processes that are not helpful.  

Therapy is also a valuable tool in learning more about your underlying beliefs and expectations.  Most primary care providers can make referrals to good therapists in your area.  

Thoughts underlie our feelings so it is important to figure out how to wrangle them.  

For my part, I've decided the whites are just going to be dingy because I don't want to spend any more time on the laundry than I already do!  



  

Acting As Though All Is Well

Recently two well-known individuals, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain died by suicide.  Honestly, I don't know much about either of these people.

But I can tell you that they were amazing actors.

Depression creates some of the best actors in the world.

A friend of Kate Spade, Fern Mallis, stated that she was "the last person on earth you'd think would take their life."  

Of Anthony Bourdain, “He was normal, normal. Just like himself,” chef Jean-Yves Schillinger stated.  

Those closest to them echo the same refrain- they had no idea, it was a total shock, it was incomprehensible.

Yes, yes and yes.  

Because of stigma, cultural norms and often the desire to not worry loved ones; people with depression put on a happy face and carry on (more about that here). 

Depression feels like walking through life with your feet stuck in buckets of hardened cement while having someone tag along narrating every single thing you are doing wrong, how hopeless everything is, how pointless life is, how nothing will ever be better, how much better the universe would be if you were no longer breathing.  

At very least, the narrator whispers that death is the only way to escape the pain.

Suicide doesn't occur in a vacuum, it happens when the pain gets too high and hope disappears.  

There is no space in our world for these feelings to be openly expressed.  

What we get is bullshit like "look on the bright side," "but so many have it worse," and my personal favorite "have you tried praying?"  

The latter was said to me while I was sobbing hysterically in my dorm room my freshman year of college.

I was attending a Christian college, had been raised in a Christian home and at the point identified as Christian.  Of course I'd tried praying.  What the fuck else would I do?    

My depression is the result of Bipolar Affective Disorder Type II (click here for more information). I was diagnosed at age 19, started Prozac at age 20 and have been on an anti-depressant for 23 years (more on on my journey here and here).   

I have experienced severe depression but only fleeting suicidal ideation.  I have also had times where I felt like my daughter would be better off if I let her be raised by her dad and I moved far, far away.    

Other's are not so lucky.  Their depression becomes so severe that they believe the best option, the only option is death.  Many suicidal people even believe that their family members would be better off if they were dead.  

So, we slog through life.  We put on a happy face.  We do well at work or school.  We go through the motions. 

I got straight A's, was president of the psychology honor society and had many friends while severely depressed.  I've showed up at my job as a psychologist, severely depressed and helped other depressed people.   

We act like we do not have a mental illness. 

Brilliantly acting as though all is well.   

Until we are so exhausted that we can no longer put one heavy foot in front of the other.

Some of us let someone in enough to help us access treatment. On average, people wait approximately 10 years before even seeking treatment.  I cried on the phone to my mom every evening for months and she eventually determined that it wasn't just homesickness.  She got me an appointment with the school counselor which started my journey of managing my mental illness.

Others of us need someone to ask "How are you really doing?"  "Are you depressed?"  "Do you think of dying?"  "Do you want to kill yourself?"

Asking won't hurt.  It might open a door for someone who can't do it themselves.  Mentioning suicide will not cause someone to be suicidal. 

Asking creates a space for acknowledging painful feelings.  Having it spoken creates a sense of relief.

Because you know you are not alone.  
Because you can stop the act.  

Just ask. 
Just speak it.  
Create the space. 

If you have depression or are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help.  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

For more information about how to help people struggling with mental illness please go to https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/

Carry On

I came of age along with grunge music.

It is not like I was a huge fan of any group in particular.

I didn't have posters of bands or go to concerts.

I was really too nerdy, too much of a "good girl" to go full on grunge, despite my flannel shirts and Converse shoes.  The preppy look ruled at my private, Christian school.

Anything other than hymns, even contemporary Christian music, was suspect.  Secular music, like most of secular life, was viewed as a potential doorway for immorality.

Still, the music contributed to the backdrop of my life.

Grunge music became more important in 1994 when I started my freshman year of college. That year I experienced the worst depressive episode of my life.  

If I wasn't in class, I was studying, crying or sleeping.  I didn't leave my room except for classes and food.  I had one friend that I spent time with, but in all honesty, she was just a depressed as I was.

My college was in range of Alice, KLLC 97.3, a grunge radio station.  I could listen on days when the weather was just right.

I was listening to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Green Day, Bush, etc., etc.,

The music helped me survive.  It helped me carry on.

Grunge music gave me access to the dark feelings that I didn't have words for.

I have words for those feelings now but grunge music continues to provide comfort during times of distress.

I've been listening to grunge music almost exclusively since last November.  It feels like a dark time.

Wednesday night, Chris Cornell, the lead singer of Soundgarden and Audioslave killed himself after a concert in Detroit. He was 52 years old.  

While I am usually saddened when I hear of a celebrity passing away, I don't typically grieve.  I don't have much of an attachment to people I've never met.

But, this death has impacted me.

Partly because it seems like it was a suicide*, which is always a particularly senseless loss. The mental illnesses that lead someone to suicide are treatable.  Suicide can be prevented if the person suffering gets treatment.

Too many times they do not.

Then we lose someone, like Chris Cornell.

But it also impacted me deeply because Chris, as part of the grunge movement, helped me understand the darkness that is depression and gave me access to those feeings.

He likely lived with that same darkness.

In the end, that caused him to end his life, while the the rest of us are left to carry on.

It also reminds me that those of us who suffer from depression or other mental illnesses can never be complacent.  

My depression can go into remission but it will never be cured.  

My husband's depression can go into remission but he will also never be cured.  

We carry darkness in us that must always be managed.  

It is not a pleasant reminder.

It is a reminder I would rather not get.  

But remember it I must.  

Because I must carry on. 

I'm sorry that Chris couldn't.   


Click here to see the final concert

*His wife believes his suicide may have been the result of taking prescription medication improperly, which compromised his decision-making.

Solving the Problem of January

Candles help create hygge.

HOO-gah.

Not hoo-RAH, the traditional greeting for Marines.

And not Ah-CHOO, the sound of sneezing,

Or ooh-GAH, like those old-fashioned car horns.

HOO-gah.

Which is actually spelled hygge.

If you are confused about how the sound HOO-gah can come from the word hygge, do not despair.

Hygge is a Danish word.

I don't speak Danish but I am taking their word.  I hope Denmark doesn't mind.

There isn't a direct translation, it is one of these words that are culturally specific.

Like, I imagine that it is hard to translate "groovy" to Japanese or "fleek" into Swahili.

Despite the translation difficulties hygge is my key to solving the problem of January.

January can be pretty but it is usually grey & dreary.  

The problem of January, is of course, that is is dreary, cold, with little sunlight and no holidays to brighten things up.

I historically despise January.

January historically despises me right back.

Usually it gives me a major depressive episode.  Or at least a minor one.  But depression. Depression is always part of the package.

February isn't great either but it is shorter and also contains Valentine's Day. That usually gives me a little bit of extra pep to survive until spring.

January, though, it has got nothing.

Enter hygge.

Hygge is a feeling of contentment and well-being.

Hygge is generated from focusing on simple pleasures such as feeling cozy when it is cold outside.  Or the enjoyment you get from fuzzy socks and warm drinks.

Or the enjoyment you get from watching a fire or holding a purring cat.

Candles also feature prominently in hygge.

One article I read said that Denmark has the most candles per capita in the world.

I suppose if you are going to have a world record for something, it might as well be something nice like candles.

Unlike Australia, which I think has the greatest number of deadly creatures per square mile or some such thing.

Hygge also includes a feeling of togetherness and conviviality.

Conviviality is not a regular part of my vocabulary either but I'm taking this word too.

It describes a friendly and enjoyable atmosphere or feeling.

January can't compete with hygge.

It just crumbles under the contentment and togetherness.

My version of hygge is to create a warm, cozy home environment focusing on time with my family and creating a sense of authentic togetherness.

Hygge is celebrating our family and this life we built together.

With lots and lots of tea and fuzzy socks.