Impossible

I asked my husband and daughter to each give me a word that I could use as a starting point for a poem.  My husband's word was "impossible."  This word inspired the poem below.  My daughter chose two words, "lemon grass."  The poem for those words is still pending!

Carry On

I came of age along with grunge music.

It is not like I was a huge fan of any group in particular.

I didn't have posters of bands or go to concerts.

I was really too nerdy, too much of a "good girl" to go full on grunge, despite my flannel shirts and Converse shoes.  The preppy look ruled at my private, Christian school.

Anything other than hymns, even contemporary Christian music, was suspect.  Secular music, like most of secular life, was viewed as a potential doorway for immorality.

Still, the music contributed to the backdrop of my life.

Grunge music became more important in 1994 when I started my freshman year of college. That year I experienced the worst depressive episode of my life.  

If I wasn't in class, I was studying, crying or sleeping.  I didn't leave my room except for classes and food.  I had one friend that I spent time with, but in all honesty, she was just a depressed as I was.

My college was in range of Alice, KLLC 97.3, a grunge radio station.  I could listen on days when the weather was just right.

I was listening to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Green Day, Bush, etc., etc.,

The music helped me survive.  It helped me carry on.

Grunge music gave me access to the dark feelings that I didn't have words for.

I have words for those feelings now but grunge music continues to provide comfort during times of distress.

I've been listening to grunge music almost exclusively since last November.  It feels like a dark time.

Wednesday night, Chris Cornell, the lead singer of Soundgarden and Audioslave killed himself after a concert in Detroit. He was 52 years old.  

While I am usually saddened when I hear of a celebrity passing away, I don't typically grieve.  I don't have much of an attachment to people I've never met.

But, this death has impacted me.

Partly because it seems like it was a suicide*, which is always a particularly senseless loss. The mental illnesses that lead someone to suicide are treatable.  Suicide can be prevented if the person suffering gets treatment.

Too many times they do not.

Then we lose someone, like Chris Cornell.

But it also impacted me deeply because Chris, as part of the grunge movement, helped me understand the darkness that is depression and gave me access to those feeings.

He likely lived with that same darkness.

In the end, that caused him to end his life, while the the rest of us are left to carry on.

It also reminds me that those of us who suffer from depression or other mental illnesses can never be complacent.  

My depression can go into remission but it will never be cured.  

My husband's depression can go into remission but he will also never be cured.  

We carry darkness in us that must always be managed.  

It is not a pleasant reminder.

It is a reminder I would rather not get.  

But remember it I must.  

Because I must carry on. 

I'm sorry that Chris couldn't.   


Click here to see the final concert

*His wife believes his suicide may have been the result of taking prescription medication improperly, which compromised his decision-making.

Wine Glasses & Perfectionists

I was at my sister-in-law's house the other day ago.

It is always fun to go over there because she usually feeds us and any day I don't have to be responsible for dinner is a good day.

Also, my niece and nephew are teenagers who seem to really enjoy entertaining my daughter, so I actually get to engage in adult conversation without interruption!

As a side note, I heard the phrase, "Are you part of this conversation?" frequently as a child.  So, whatever hassle my parents had to endure in raising a nosy little girl has now come full circle.

As I was standing in my sister-in-law's kitchen eating food she provided, having uninterrupted adult conversations, I noticed a set of wine glasses.

They were very pretty, with sparkly glass. The stems had copper wire wound around them with little stones threaded on the copper.

They caught my eye and I said "Hey, Stace, I like your wine glasses."

She looked at me and laughed.

Then I said, "Wait! Did I make those? I think I made those!"

After a bit more laughter she said "Yes you made those for me."

Huh.

After a moment's reflection I noted, "I like my stuff a lot more when I don't know it is mine."

Because perfectionism.

I am a perfectionist in recovery.

Perfectionists are people who have high expectations of themselves (and often others,too) and strive for flawlessness.

I know I don't need to say this but perfectionism is a recipe for disaster.

Perfection is not an option in our topsy-turvy world.  Good enough is a more appropriate mantra.

Perfectionism renders all outcome as lacking, all effort as below standards.

It is a fast way to depression and anxiety, actually.

While I have made vast improvements in having realistic expectations of myself and focusing on good enough, my inner perfectionist does sneak in and start issuing orders.

Seeing the wine glasses for what they really are, rather than through my perfectionist eyes, serves as a good reminder that perfectionism is a distorted way of looking at the world, where nothing is good enough.

When, in reality, everything is good enough.

Little Ray of Sunshine

A semi-autobiographical, somewhat exaggerated cartoon based on my husband and I, plus occasionally our daughter and animals.  My husband creates the story line and I draw them.  Our daughter will also help with future story lines and drawing.  This will be an occasional series as inspiration happens to strike!

Heartstrings

Husband & I
Watercolor painting
by S. Clark, February 2016

Intertwined heart strings-

We learn this life together

for love unending.  

Jewels

Taken by my husband, Aaron
Dec. 2016

Jewel of the sky-

  Resplendent ruby and jade.

Filigree in flight.  

Solving the Problem of January

Candles help create hygge.

HOO-gah.

Not hoo-RAH, the traditional greeting for Marines.

And not Ah-CHOO, the sound of sneezing,

Or ooh-GAH, like those old-fashioned car horns.

HOO-gah.

Which is actually spelled hygge.

If you are confused about how the sound HOO-gah can come from the word hygge, do not despair.

Hygge is a Danish word.

I don't speak Danish but I am taking their word.  I hope Denmark doesn't mind.

There isn't a direct translation, it is one of these words that are culturally specific.

Like, I imagine that it is hard to translate "groovy" to Japanese or "fleek" into Swahili.

Despite the translation difficulties hygge is my key to solving the problem of January.

January can be pretty but it is usually grey & dreary.  

The problem of January, is of course, that is is dreary, cold, with little sunlight and no holidays to brighten things up.

I historically despise January.

January historically despises me right back.

Usually it gives me a major depressive episode.  Or at least a minor one.  But depression. Depression is always part of the package.

February isn't great either but it is shorter and also contains Valentine's Day. That usually gives me a little bit of extra pep to survive until spring.

January, though, it has got nothing.

Enter hygge.

Hygge is a feeling of contentment and well-being.

Hygge is generated from focusing on simple pleasures such as feeling cozy when it is cold outside.  Or the enjoyment you get from fuzzy socks and warm drinks.

Or the enjoyment you get from watching a fire or holding a purring cat.

Candles also feature prominently in hygge.

One article I read said that Denmark has the most candles per capita in the world.

I suppose if you are going to have a world record for something, it might as well be something nice like candles.

Unlike Australia, which I think has the greatest number of deadly creatures per square mile or some such thing.

Hygge also includes a feeling of togetherness and conviviality.

Conviviality is not a regular part of my vocabulary either but I'm taking this word too.

It describes a friendly and enjoyable atmosphere or feeling.

January can't compete with hygge.

It just crumbles under the contentment and togetherness.

My version of hygge is to create a warm, cozy home environment focusing on time with my family and creating a sense of authentic togetherness.

Hygge is celebrating our family and this life we built together.

With lots and lots of tea and fuzzy socks.

Resolutions

Last year, my husband resolved "to eat more nachos."

He totally crushed that goal.  I think he had nachos about 100 days out of the year.

I've never been too big on resolutions because I figure I should be learning and growing as life presents me opportunities.

Although, I totally get that having a specific time to identify areas of needed growth is helpful.

In recent years I've made resolutions in 2005 and 2012.

It was the same for both years.  I resolved to "Grab the bull by the horns" in whatever form that took.

In the case of 2005, I left my first husband, fell in love, took my licensing exam and moved in with my new boyfriend.  (you can read a bit more about that here).

In the case of 2012, my current husband and I got legally separated so that we could buy a house (I wrote about that here), I started my own private practice, our daughter started Kindergarten and we moved into a new home.

It is kind of a nuclear resolution.

It has to pass through the chain of command in my psyche before the launch codes are released.

2017 is not the year for a nuclear response.

2017 is reserved for my husband and I being cured of Lyme Disease.  We're making progress and I am hopeful that by this time next year we will be healthy.

My 9 1/2 year old daughter, on the other hand, loves resolutions.

On New Year's Eve she asked us what our resolutions were.

This year his goal is to play with his virtual reality video gaming system more.

He'll crush that one too!

I decided that I would like to do more yoga, more art and be more patient.  I figure those are achievable even given our current limitations.

Also, my limitations give me LOTS of opportunities to be patient!

This is not my strong suit.  I've been known to stomp my foot due to impatience.  As and adult. In Target.

My daughter, with no prompting from either of her parents said "I want to be more kind and become a more helpful person."

!!

My mom with with us as well and I can't remember if she had a resolution.  My daughter swears that she said her goal was "to eat more corn tortillas."

I don't think this is accurate but it is totally achievable.

And all the New Year's resolution "experts" say that you're more likely to successful with realistic goals.

So, there's that.

Here's to a new year and a fresh start!