It is not like I was a huge fan of any group in particular.
I didn't have posters of bands or go to concerts.
I was really too nerdy, too much of a "good girl" to go full on grunge, despite my flannel shirts and Converse shoes. The preppy look ruled at my private, Christian school.
Anything other than hymns, even contemporary Christian music, was suspect. Secular music, like most of secular life, was viewed as a potential doorway for immorality.
Still, the music contributed to the backdrop of my life.
Grunge music became more important in 1994 when I started my freshman year of college. That year I experienced the worst depressive episode of my life.
If I wasn't in class, I was studying, crying or sleeping. I didn't leave my room except for classes and food. I had one friend that I spent time with, but in all honesty, she was just a depressed as I was.
My college was in range of Alice, KLLC 97.3, a grunge radio station. I could listen on days when the weather was just right.
I was listening to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Green Day, Bush, etc., etc.,
The music helped me survive. It helped me carry on.
Grunge music gave me access to the dark feelings that I didn't have words for.
I've been listening to grunge music almost exclusively since last November. It feels like a dark time.
Wednesday night, Chris Cornell, the lead singer of Soundgarden and Audioslave killed himself after a concert in Detroit. He was 52 years old.
While I am usually saddened when I hear of a celebrity passing away, I don't typically grieve. I don't have much of an attachment to people I've never met.
But, this death has impacted me.
Partly because it seems like it was a suicide*, which is always a particularly senseless loss. The mental illnesses that lead someone to suicide are treatable. Suicide can be prevented if the person suffering gets treatment.
Too many times they do not.
Then we lose someone, like Chris Cornell.
But it also impacted me deeply because Chris, as part of the grunge movement, helped me understand the darkness that is depression and gave me access to those feeings.
He likely lived with that same darkness.
In the end, that caused him to end his life, while the the rest of us are left to carry on.
It also reminds me that those of us who suffer from depression or other mental illnesses can never be complacent.
My depression can go into remission but it will never be cured.
My husband's depression can go into remission but he will also never be cured.
We carry darkness in us that must always be managed.
It is not a pleasant reminder.
It is a reminder I would rather not get.
But remember it I must.
Because I must carry on.
I'm sorry that Chris couldn't.
Click here to see the final concert
*His wife believes his suicide may have been the result of taking prescription medication improperly, which compromised his decision-making.
