People all over the country and the world are protesting in opposition to police brutality, specifically against Black Americans*. The protests’ immediate trigger was the murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis by a police officer over an alleged counterfeit $20 bill. This is one of many deaths of Black Americans at the hands of the authorities and it has been happening since the birth of our country. As the world erupted in protests, property was damaged or destroyed; police officers in some places escalated their violence. Everyone around me had strong reactions- anger about police brutality, anger about racism, anger about all cops being labeled as bad cops, anger about property destruction, anger about political polarization, anger about everything it seems.
In addition to anger, the protests caused the collective level of anxiety to rise, skyrocketing above and beyond the already high levels due to the Covid-19 pandemic.
My own anxiety also initially increased, but then I noticed that I had a sense of hope. This is an unexpected reaction for the circumstances, so it caught my attention.
After some reflection, I realized that I more hopeful because aspects of the protests and activism mirror my work with victims/survivors of domestic violence.
This feels similar to helping women leave abusive relationships. I have spent my entire career working with survivors of domestic violence, helping women leave abusive relationships and helping women protect their children against abusive ex-partners. There is a distinct pattern to the process.
The first stage of an abusive relationship involves tension-building. During this stage there is mounting unhappiness on the part of the perpetrator. The victim attempts to keep the peace in any capacity that they are able. She will anticipate as many of his wants and needs as possible to try to prevent an explosion that often leads to violence.
The second stage is the crisis stage. This is when the perpetrator uses violence and/or manipulation to attempt to control his partner. The violence can be in the form of emotional abuse, escalating to physical violence and even death of the victim. The perpetrator will escalate his use of violence if the victim attempts to leave or resist the abuse.
If the victim doesn’t leave the relationship and is still alive after the crisis stage, the relationship goes into the honeymoon stage. This is much like it sounds, the abuser makes amends. He often acts the same as he did at the beginning of the relationship, gives gifts or expresses support. This is done to maintain control of the relationship.
All phases of an abusive relationship have elements of power and control, described in the graphic to the right. There is constant restriction and control in multiple facets of her life, always. As a country we are at the crisis stage. Instead of continuing to experience the abuse, we are leaving the abusive relationship with white supremacy, colonialism, and fundamentalist Christianity, which are elements embodied in the criminal justice system's treatment of Black people.
I want to be clear that when I refer to the criminal justice system being a perpetrator of violence, I know not all people working in the criminal justice system are perpetrators, or that every police officer, corrections officer, judge, parole officer, etc. is a perpetrator. My husband's cousin is a police officer and he was recently recorded hugging a protester. One of our good friends is a corrections officer and he is known for his ability to de-escalate angry, agitated people. I am well-aware that there are police officers, corrections officers, judges, parole officers, etc. doing their very best in a difficult situation. Their efforts do not in any way negate the parallels between the criminal justice system and domestic violence perpetrators. Nor does it negate that we have a problem in the criminal justice system.
There is ample statistical evidence that the justice system is unfairly and violently biased against Black Americans. If the process was unbiased the percentage of Black Americans vs. the percentage of White Americans who are arrested, prosecuted and convicted would be approximately the same as the percentages of those groups in the general population. They are not, even though the percentage of both populations that commit crimes is the same. Additionally, data kept by the FBI clearly shows Black people are much more likely to be seriously injured or die at the hands of police or in prison.
Education and health outcomes are additional well-researched areas that demonstrate significant racial disparities in resources and outcomes. This research demonstrates how white supremacy, colonialism and fundamentalist Christianity pervade all our institutions and alter how Black people are treated.
Some police departments are choosing a more conciliatory route, and are marching with the protesters, giving out hugs, etc. Many of these departments and many of the individual officers are sincere. In these instances, it is important to ensure that the conciliatory actions are backed up by the history of the department. If their history of treatment of Black American’s doesn’t line up with the more recent, conciliatory actions, manipulation may be part of the motivation. This is the perpetrator who brings flowers after he has shoved his wife against the wall, is kind and loving for a few weeks after he cracked her ribs and promises to never do it again.
In both of those scenarios, what I have learned is if there is a plan where the woman has support in all the major areas of need, such as housing and income, bravely follows through and doesn't fall prey to the abuser’s aggression and/or manipulations, she can escape. Yes, that is a lot of ifs, but I have seen happen many times, so I know it is possible. Most of the time these men are bullies and bullies are cowards. They use aggression and violence to control others because they are so psychologically fragile. If abusers are faced with a united front, one that doesn't succumb to their attempts to beat or manipulate their victims into silence, they can't tolerate the loss of control and they quit. On an individual level, they often find a new victim. However, because we are doing this on a societal level, we have an opportunity to limit their ability to find new victims and cause harm.
This gives me cause for hope and I write this to share my hope with you.
As I sit here writing this, there are examples of many different groups uniting to bravely withstand the escalation of violence by refusing to fall prey to the aggression and violence directed at the protesters and activists. They are united by the core value that abuse is not okay.
We have the momentum; it is important to keep going.
*after research and consultation I decided to use the term Black American's rather than African-Americans because many Black Americans are from Caribbean countries and do not identify with the term African-American. The use of the term Black American is meant to be more inclusive. I also opted to use the term Black American instead of People of Color (POC) since the current movement centers around Black Americans, although there are disparities in the treatment of individuals in other groups as well. If you have feedback regarding these terms, please share them with me!
