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| My Grandpa, Aunt Vickie and Me, when I was about 12. |
I remember being in my dorm room my Freshman year of college. I had just thrown up, probably for 5th or 6th or maybe 12th or 14th morning in a row, and my next door neighbor, who I didn't like very much, stuck her head in the door and asked if I were pregnant. That prompted crying, because I was barely keeping it together. Stress and anxiety and depression were making it impossible for me to keep my breakfast in my stomach. Upon explaining this to my next door neighbor that I didn't even like very much, she said to me "Have you tried praying?" Well, no shit, praying you say? Why didn't I think of that?
Except I had prayed, desperately and unceasingly. I'd only attended Christian schools from 1st grade up until that very moment in time. In fact, at some point in that awful year, I even attended a class called "The Life and Teachings of Jesus." Of course I had been praying! Praying didn't help. Eventually, Prozac would prove to be more powerful than prayer and it helped me get a toe hold and climb out of the pit that I was in.
My freshman year of college at a Christian school with mandatory worship services and people I didn't like telling me I should pray to solve my problems only served to underscore what I had learned growing up. That is, that I lacked adequate faith. If I had enough faith I wouldn't be bothered by all these doubts and questions. Of the 12 disciples of Jesus, three are noted trouble makers; Judas, who betrayed Jesus to the Romans; Peter, who betrayed Jesus three times and Thomas, who doubted that Jesus was the savior. Doubting was not okay. Faith had no room for doubt. Even, Jesus who made the ultimate sacrifice, didn't doubt. He asked to be removed from the situation, if it be the Father's will. "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:42 (NIV)
Of course, Jesus was God incarnate, in human form on earth, so of course he wouldn't have doubt. (What? How does that make sense? Even if that is true what does that have to do with eternal salvation? What if I don't accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal savior? What if there isn't a personal god? Do we even need a personal god?) Thomas doubted so much he got a nickname because of it.
" Now Thomas (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:24-29 (NIV, italics are mine).
See? There is no room for doubt. To be a person of faith required you to put aside questions and doubt. You were just supposed to go with it, I guess. However, I was never willing to set aside my doubts and questions just to claim a solid faith. It would have been false, the doubt would be lurking below the cheery "Yes, I believe because I have faith" and would be a lie. Lying about faith seemed worse than lacking faith, so I have just owned the doubt and questions. I figured I was doing the best I could with what I had. If what ever higher power was unhappy with that, well, I figured that I didn't want to be friends with someone who wasn't happy with my best effort anyhow.
Today, an author I like, Anne Lamott posted on her Facebook page "every single thing I know" in honor of her upcoming birthday. You can see the entire list here, but I was especially struck by #11. (Just noticed there are two #11's, it is the second one, which I quote below that I am talking about, although I like the entire list)
"11. Faith: Paul Tillich said the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. If I could say one thing to our little Tea Party friends, it would be this. Fundamentalism, in all its forms, is 90% of the reason the world is so terrifying. 3% is the existence of snakes. The love of our incredible dogs and cats is the closest most of us will come, on this side of eternity, to knowing the direct love of God; although cats can be so bitter, which is not the god part: the crazy Love is. Also, "Figure it out" is not a good slogan."
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| My Grandpa and I when I was about 12 years old. (it was hard for him to have serious faces when a camera was out) |
"The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty." Holy cow! Really?! I don't have any idea who this Paul Tillich guy is, but this is a paradigm shift for me. I've been wandering in the wilderness of my mind concerned that my grandpa, who passed away in 2001, would be ashamed of me because I was so lacking in faith. When I was around 12 years old, he told my mom that he was amazed by my understanding of spiritual matters. With all this doubt and questioning, I figured that I had fallen far from the place I lived when I was 12. I didn't have doubt when I was 12. And the answers to my questions made sense when I was 12.
What I don't have is certainty. I don't have answers to any of my questions. Sometimes I am not even sure I am asking questions that are even relevant. I have a bunch of "I hopes" and "I like to thinks." I have almost zero beliefs that I hold to so strongly that I feel the need to convince others that those beliefs are the "truth." All except one, I do believe strongly in "working hypotheses," which I wrote about in this post.
So, now I am handed this idea that doubt can coexist with faith. Not only that, the idea that certainty is the opposite of faith. That makes it seem as if doubt is part of faith. If that is the case, I have buckets full of faith. What I am going to do with all these buckets I have no idea, but I think a paradigm shift is enough for one day. I'll figure out what to do with it later.
