Back to the Grind

Tomorrow it all begins again.  After two delicious weeks off of work, tomorrow I go back.  Tomorrow my daughter goes back to school.  I am anxious.  Not because I dislike my work or because there is something especially stressful but because of the schedule.  Rather than getting up when we are rested, eating when we are hungry, doing what interests us at the moment, we must conform to the rigors of a schedule.  Up in time to get to work and school, eat when there is a gap in your schedule to do so, doing what is prescribed for that moment, there isn't much of an option for each day.

Not that I dislike routine.  I really appreciate routine and pretty naturally establish routines, but that is different than a schedules.  Routines are more like gentle suggestions.  Schedules are cruel task masters.  The sad thing is, my schedule is so much easier than it used to be and it is much, much easier than what most people deal with.  No wonder stress is a national epidemic. 
 Historically, when I have started to feel out of control, I attempt to exert control over my external circumstances.  It is often still my first impulse. My initial thought after I identified feeling anxious and the source of the anxiety was to get a bunch of stuff done.  If I get the laundry or housecleaning done, I have less to do in the upcoming week.  That sounds logical.  However, I often just work myself into a frenzy and become exhausted.

Instead, I am going to focus on cultivating inner peace.  I know that sounds Zen-like and you may have visions of meditating on a mountain top.  Unfortunately, inner peace and I are not really close personal friends.  We are acquaintances.  I am going to use my current anxiety as an opportunity to develop a closer friendship with internal peace. 

Which is why I am writing this blog, why I will walk my dog, why I spend time playing with my daughter and watching football with my husband.  Those things help me feel calm and grounded.  Those things will help me have an easier week because I will be balanced, not exhausted.  Hypothetically, I could have a spotless house and exert perfect control over my circumstances.  (I have a St. Bernard and a six year old, so you know this is really only a hypothetical!).  I am pretty sure I would still be anxious though.  My anxiety is not actually based what is done or not done.  It is not even fully based on what I do every day.  It is based on how I think about my life and how I treat myself.

Life with a schedule, life with expectations other than to be, create opportunities for failure.  One of my hardest tasks, emotionally, is to be accepting of myself when I make mistakes. I have always been a perfectionist.  Rather than attempting to achieve perfection in my week, I am going to focus on balance.  I am going to focus on self-acceptance.  I am going to focus on listening to why the anxiety is present and address that, rather than attempt to control external circumstances.  A closer friendship with peace and letting go of perfectionism is on the agenda and my schedule is going to help get me there.

Thank-you horrible schedule.  Thank-you anxiety.