I'm Finally My Age

My cousin and I celebrating our birthdays in 1989.
I was 40, I mean 14, and she was 7.
Her brother was "helping" with the candles.

My 2nd dad, whom I have always referred to as "Dear," always said I was 12 going on 24 or 13 going on 30, or whatever age I was and whatever age I seemed.  I am not exactly sure what specific behaviors he was referring to, but I was avidly reading Newsweek and Scientific American in middle school, so I imagine I had some commentary to offer on Clarence Thomas or possibly the Iran Contra Scandal.  I was always reading things above my pay grade.   I also read my mom's self-help books on how to raise teenagers or adjust to living in a stepfamily or whatever was laying around.  My senior year I really felt like it pointless to be dealing with Physics or English when there was genocide in Rwanda.

This is pretty non-standard for  teen girls, so I can see where Dear was coming from.  I know I was a standard teenager in a lot of ways; I cried a lot, I liked dumb boys exclusively, never the nice boys, I disliked driving the ugly station wagon and spent too much time fussing over my ginormous bangs.  I often wanted to kill my brothers and I didn't always clean up after myself (Dear may tell you I never cleaned up after myself and his scissors were always missing, but I do think that is probably an exaggeration). But really, I always felt older than the years I'd actually spent on earth and often acted older, too.

I've been feeling closer and closer to my age for the last few years.  Yesterday, I turned 40 years old and I am finally my age. I finally don't feel decades older than my actual life.  During high school, my English teacher had us write an essay on what we wanted to be doing with our lives.  I was adamant that I was done being a teenager.  The life I described is pretty much what I am doing now; a home with gardens & animals, meaningful work, and engaging hobbies.  The only thing I didn't envision was a husband and daughter, because, hey, I couldn't know everything, right?  All this time, I've been 40. It is difficult to describe this feeling, but my inner world and outer world feel congruent.  My psyche is not banging up against my real life constantly.  It is such a relief.

My daughter, my dog and I on my 40th birthday.

The best I can describe myself is it as though I am psychologically standing in mountain pose, very firm and grounded.  I feel really settled into my hips and solid on my legs.  Like I can hold myself up, regardless of the weight the world might place on my shoulders.  I feel solidly myself.  And while I am certain that I will continue to grow and change as a person, it is my hope that I will also continue to feel solid and become every more myself.