Forgiveness?

for·give
fərˈgiv/
verb
1.
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
verb: forgive; 3rd person present: forgives; past tense: forgave; gerund or present participle: forgiving; past participle: forgiven

I got "friend" request on Facebook last year.  When I saw the notification, I expected that it was from someone in my graduating class because our 20 year reunion about that time.  I didn't go, so I have been tracking everyone down via Facebook.  Nope.  It was from someone who was my friend for the shortest duration of time ever, three or four years.

My very first thought was "Oh, HEY-ell No!"  I then hit the decline button and continued with my day.  Later I mentioned to my husband that I got a friend request from this person and his response was "You're kidding!"

This prompted a discussion on forgiveness because I was unceremoniously dumped as a friend after she became offended by something my husband had said on Facebook.  Something that most assuredly was not directed at her.  Something that continued to offend her after my husband clarified, apologized and attempted to resolve the situation. 

While she wasn't one of my closest friends, her behavior hurt and it made me angry.  Mainly because of the impact on my daughter.  My daughter was only 4 or so at the time and really enjoyed playing with her children.  She kept asking to play and she didn't understand why she couldn't.  She was sad and grieved the loss. I had to forgive her for the hurt experienced by my daughter. 

I have to say, I don't know that I am the most forgiving person.  I don't think I have many experiences as an adult that have hurt me enough that forgiveness was struggle.  Or maybe I am am forgiving person because there are only few instances that forgiveness is a struggle.  Either way, I had to forgive this.  I was pretty pissed for a while.  The friend request allowed me to realize that I wasn't hurt and angry any longer. I was able to understand that her reaction stemmed from her concerns and insecurities.

I like the definition above, however.  Forgiveness is not letting the other person off the hook or minimizing the impact of their behavior.  It is to let go of the feelings the behavior initially created.

I have some feelings that need to be excused from my person.  I have instances of anger, bitterness and dismay over 10 years after leaving my first husband.  I had expected that I would have moved much further than this in that time.  Even as I sit and think about it my psyche clutches at the anger like a coat on an especially cold day.  I am not sure what my unconscious thinks it is protecting me from, but whatever it is, anger is not the best defense.  At least not in my current circumstances.  Anger is doing nothing for me currently.  It creates problems and the protective function it once served is no longer necessary.

Forgiveness clearly has nothing to do with my ex-husband, it is all about me and my feelings.  My guess is that I have not fully forgiven myself for marrying him in the first place.  I have come to partial forgiveness of myself with three ideas. First, I remember that I made the best decision I could with the information I had available at that time.  Second, I try not to judge myself then based on the information I have available now.  Finally, I remember that the cumulation of experiences in my life make me the person I am now and give me the life I have now.  I don't want to be a different person and I don't want a different life.  Consequently, I chose not to regret the events that lead to the place I am now.

In other words, I chose to love my past self unconditionally and appreciate the events that lead to my present self.  It is my hope that as I continue to walk this path, I will fully forgive myself for my first marriage.