Because it was my first day on the job, I was nervous and feeling uncertain. I had acne and because I had just moved, I couldn't find my make-up. I also couldn't find my iron, so I was wearing clothes I sort of smoothed out. It was November 29, 2004. It was not exactly an auspicious beginning of my post-doctoral internship.
The first thing I said to my future husband was "Why are you using that measure? It has bad psychometrics." By which I meant that it was a crappy questionnaire.
Poor man, he just looked up from the desk and said "Hey, I just do what I am told. I'm only an intern!"
A few moments later, Dr. Graham, one of the partners of the group psychotherapy practice I just joined, walked into the room. I turned to Dr Graham and said something along the lines of "Why are you using the SCL-90-R? That's stupid. It has bad psychometrics." That may actually be a direct quote. The word "stupid" was definitely used. I was a fount of knowledge about questionnaires regarding general psychopathology because I had just finished my doctorate in clinical psychology. I had contemplated using the SCL-90-R but rejected it because using it would have weakened my experiment.
Dr. Graham mumbled something about using it as an adjunct to other measures. He then left the room. He probably wasn't used to being called out by the post-docs on their first day of work.
In that instance, shortly after the word "stupid" exited my mouth, my future husband's heart tumbled out of his chest and landed at my feet.
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| Our first "Love Portrait" June 2005 |
As far as confessions go, it was a doozy.
I happened to be married at the time. Which was a slight problem.
That marriage had ended up being a somewhat "open" relationship, so it wasn't as much of a problem as it might have been. Except the "open" had always been on my husband's side of things and not really mine. My "open" marriage meant that I was "okay" with my husband going to "play" parties dressed as a woman to get his bare butt paddled, amongst other things. This was not actually what I originally signed up for. I originally signed up for a monogamous, heterosexual male with a masculine gender identity, in case anyone is wondering. I also signed up to be a monogamous, heterosexual female with a feminine gender identity, not a dominatrix.
But! This man, Aaron, confessing his love to me was handsome, intelligent, funny & kind hearted. It was as though we had known each other in another life. I had found my long, lost love. I know that is a total and complete cliche but it is true! We have cliches for a reason!
So, we started a sordid affair. Just kidding!! I'd been holding out on making decisions about my marriage until I had finished graduate school. The plan was to move to the Pacific northwest to be close to my husband's family. I had hoped that moving near his family would cause him to revert back to the guy I thought I originally signed up for. Which is super stupid and I was totally lying to myself and I knew better because I have a doctorate in clinical psychology. But I'd said a vow and I was going to follow it through to the bitter end. It very quickly became evident that he would remain exactly who he was prior to moving north.
I found a little house to rent and rallied some people to help move me out on June 3, 2005. I moved when my husband was gone. I didn't want to discuss my decision with him until I was gone. He had convinced me to go against my better judgement so many times. I left no opportunity for him to do it again.
Aaron and I started dating approximately 30 seconds after I separated from my husband. No, that is a slight exaggeration. We actually started dating three hours after I separated from my husband. I was 30 years old and had spent 10 years with my first husband. I was done messing around and being loved by Aaron felt glorious.
And here we are 11 years later.
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| Our most recent "Love Portrait" December 2015 |
