No Longer A Fail

A text popped up on my phone last Monday night.  

At first I thought it was from a client and was worried about a potential crisis.

Then I saw it was Dee, my naturopath, delivering the results of my daughter's most recent lab work.  

I thought of my pregnancy for a moment as I steeled myself for the contents of the text.

I've always felt that my body failed me during my pregnancy.  

Baby daughter about 3 months old

As I have written about in the past, I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG), which is a severe form of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. It was unrelenting.  I lost 7% of my body weight and became malnourished.

I was severely ill and confined to my bed for 5 months.  When I got on medication I was able to function at about 50% capacity until my daughter was born.  

When I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease, I learned that there was a possibility that my daughter might have gotten the disease causing bacteria from me in utero or via breast milk.  

And it wasn't a slim possibility either.  It was a 50/50 chance.

Those are not gambling odds in my mind.

Have I mentioned I'm not much of a gambler?

I'm really not.  

I've been so afraid that she would have this disease.  

My husband has it and he probably got it from me.

Our girl child with her dogs.  

The thought that I might have also given it to my daughter has weighed on me.

Today I found out that my body did not fail my daughter.  

It failed me.  

But my body did not fail my daughter.

My body kept the bacteria from her and gave her only the antibodies needed to fight against the disease.

And now, I can forgive my body for falling apart so horribly.

Until this very moment, I didn't even know I bore a grudge against my body.

I thought that we were square, my body and I.  I was horribly ill but I had a healthy baby.  

What more could I ask for?

Peace.

Evidently, I've been really mad at the physical side of myself for the last 9 1/2 years and lacking a sense of peaceful resolutation.  

Hello tears of gratitude and realization.  

Let me just say I would much rather endure HG than have my daughter endure Lyme Disease and the negative outcomes associated with it.

So, thank you body for managing to protect my daughter from Lyme while also growing a healthy baby when I was malnourished and incapacitated.        

I don't know how I managed to pull that off but I am eternally grateful.  

Photo of my daughter and I
Taken by my cousin April Albright