Jewels

Taken by my husband, Aaron
Dec. 2016

Jewel of the sky-

  Resplendent ruby and jade.

Filigree in flight.  

Solving the Problem of January

Candles help create hygge.

HOO-gah.

Not hoo-RAH, the traditional greeting for Marines.

And not Ah-CHOO, the sound of sneezing,

Or ooh-GAH, like those old-fashioned car horns.

HOO-gah.

Which is actually spelled hygge.

If you are confused about how the sound HOO-gah can come from the word hygge, do not despair.

Hygge is a Danish word.

I don't speak Danish but I am taking their word.  I hope Denmark doesn't mind.

There isn't a direct translation, it is one of these words that are culturally specific.

Like, I imagine that it is hard to translate "groovy" to Japanese or "fleek" into Swahili.

Despite the translation difficulties hygge is my key to solving the problem of January.

January can be pretty but it is usually grey & dreary.  

The problem of January, is of course, that is is dreary, cold, with little sunlight and no holidays to brighten things up.

I historically despise January.

January historically despises me right back.

Usually it gives me a major depressive episode.  Or at least a minor one.  But depression. Depression is always part of the package.

February isn't great either but it is shorter and also contains Valentine's Day. That usually gives me a little bit of extra pep to survive until spring.

January, though, it has got nothing.

Enter hygge.

Hygge is a feeling of contentment and well-being.

Hygge is generated from focusing on simple pleasures such as feeling cozy when it is cold outside.  Or the enjoyment you get from fuzzy socks and warm drinks.

Or the enjoyment you get from watching a fire or holding a purring cat.

Candles also feature prominently in hygge.

One article I read said that Denmark has the most candles per capita in the world.

I suppose if you are going to have a world record for something, it might as well be something nice like candles.

Unlike Australia, which I think has the greatest number of deadly creatures per square mile or some such thing.

Hygge also includes a feeling of togetherness and conviviality.

Conviviality is not a regular part of my vocabulary either but I'm taking this word too.

It describes a friendly and enjoyable atmosphere or feeling.

January can't compete with hygge.

It just crumbles under the contentment and togetherness.

My version of hygge is to create a warm, cozy home environment focusing on time with my family and creating a sense of authentic togetherness.

Hygge is celebrating our family and this life we built together.

With lots and lots of tea and fuzzy socks.

Resolutions

Last year, my husband resolved "to eat more nachos."

He totally crushed that goal.  I think he had nachos about 100 days out of the year.

I've never been too big on resolutions because I figure I should be learning and growing as life presents me opportunities.

Although, I totally get that having a specific time to identify areas of needed growth is helpful.

In recent years I've made resolutions in 2005 and 2012.

It was the same for both years.  I resolved to "Grab the bull by the horns" in whatever form that took.

In the case of 2005, I left my first husband, fell in love, took my licensing exam and moved in with my new boyfriend.  (you can read a bit more about that here).

In the case of 2012, my current husband and I got legally separated so that we could buy a house (I wrote about that here), I started my own private practice, our daughter started Kindergarten and we moved into a new home.

It is kind of a nuclear resolution.

It has to pass through the chain of command in my psyche before the launch codes are released.

2017 is not the year for a nuclear response.

2017 is reserved for my husband and I being cured of Lyme Disease.  We're making progress and I am hopeful that by this time next year we will be healthy.

My 9 1/2 year old daughter, on the other hand, loves resolutions.

On New Year's Eve she asked us what our resolutions were.

This year his goal is to play with his virtual reality video gaming system more.

He'll crush that one too!

I decided that I would like to do more yoga, more art and be more patient.  I figure those are achievable even given our current limitations.

Also, my limitations give me LOTS of opportunities to be patient!

This is not my strong suit.  I've been known to stomp my foot due to impatience.  As and adult. In Target.

My daughter, with no prompting from either of her parents said "I want to be more kind and become a more helpful person."

!!

My mom with with us as well and I can't remember if she had a resolution.  My daughter swears that she said her goal was "to eat more corn tortillas."

I don't think this is accurate but it is totally achievable.

And all the New Year's resolution "experts" say that you're more likely to successful with realistic goals.

So, there's that.

Here's to a new year and a fresh start!

View of the End

I've lived through some large projects.

Like getting my doctorate.

That took 5 years after I got my bachelor's degree.

I knew the classes I needed to take, the number of clinical hours required and the steps to write my dissertation.

It was all mapped out and I could see older students complete the steps I was headed towards.

It was a pretty long time but I could see the end the entire time.

I've lived through an intense physical ordeal.

My pregnancy.

I hate to constantly be bringing that up but it was a very defining event that tested my husband and I to our cores.

That was 9 months.

I knew what to expect for each trimester, knew the approximate stage of development of my baby and knew the tasks we needed to complete before I gave birth to our daughter.

Nine months is a long time to be nauseated and vomiting but it really wasn't all that long.

I could see the end the entire time.

I've met major financial goals.

We went deeply into debt during my pregnancy.

Our choices were to pay off the debt or go bankrupt.

We opted to pay off the debt and it took 4 years.

I knew what our monthly payments were going to be, I knew the things we would have to go without and how much we would have to work.

I could see the end the entire time.

I've even battled major depression, many, many times.

More times than I can remember, actually.

There are many unknowns with mental health treatment you would think I wouldn't have any sense of when I would feel better.

My depressive episodes mostly showed up in winter and were gone by spring.

I always knew if I could make it to my birthday in April, everything would be okay.

Even if I had a depressive episode that didn't fit the pattern, I always knew it would go away.

I always had ways to ease the burden; medication, therapy, and gardening.  

I could even see the end of my major depressive episodes.

But now,  we are in the midst of all this Lyme treatment.

There is no map, there are no people who have had the same treatment plan, and there are no timelines.

Everyone with this disease responds very differently, so the treatment plan and the length of treatment evolve as you go along.

I despise the lack of a definite series of steps or timeline.

I cannot see the end of this.  It is there, somewhere, murky and in the future.

I'd rather know that this was going to take 5 years with a predictable end point, than have a bunch of unknowns for 3 years.

I find security in the known.

Most people do.  Humans don't generally appreciate the unknown.

I've had many clients who would rather stick with an uncomfortable known that try for the possibility of a better life because the unknown is so terrifying.

Only by walking with them into the unknown are they willing to give something new a try.

I've walked the path of healing with many people and can assure another client that I have seen good things happen.

I ask them to have faith in me and in the process that it will be worth it in the end.

And now, here I am walking the path of healing with no end in sight.

Photo taken by S. Clark

I have to have faith that there is an end even if I can't see it.

Faith is not my best skill.

I'm more of a see it, touch it, test it kind of girl.

Life has an amazing way of giving me an opportunity to learn skills that I am lacking.

Which is what I tell myself when I am dealing with something I don't want to do!

That, and I often remind myself of a quote from Elizabeth Kublar Ross,

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

I am a beautiful person in the making.

Thank you life.

No Longer A Fail

A text popped up on my phone last Monday night.  

At first I thought it was from a client and was worried about a potential crisis.

Then I saw it was Dee, my naturopath, delivering the results of my daughter's most recent lab work.  

I thought of my pregnancy for a moment as I steeled myself for the contents of the text.

I've always felt that my body failed me during my pregnancy.  

Baby daughter about 3 months old

As I have written about in the past, I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG), which is a severe form of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. It was unrelenting.  I lost 7% of my body weight and became malnourished.

I was severely ill and confined to my bed for 5 months.  When I got on medication I was able to function at about 50% capacity until my daughter was born.  

When I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease, I learned that there was a possibility that my daughter might have gotten the disease causing bacteria from me in utero or via breast milk.  

And it wasn't a slim possibility either.  It was a 50/50 chance.

Those are not gambling odds in my mind.

Have I mentioned I'm not much of a gambler?

I'm really not.  

I've been so afraid that she would have this disease.  

My husband has it and he probably got it from me.

Our girl child with her dogs.  

The thought that I might have also given it to my daughter has weighed on me.

Today I found out that my body did not fail my daughter.  

It failed me.  

But my body did not fail my daughter.

My body kept the bacteria from her and gave her only the antibodies needed to fight against the disease.

And now, I can forgive my body for falling apart so horribly.

Until this very moment, I didn't even know I bore a grudge against my body.

I thought that we were square, my body and I.  I was horribly ill but I had a healthy baby.  

What more could I ask for?

Peace.

Evidently, I've been really mad at the physical side of myself for the last 9 1/2 years and lacking a sense of peaceful resolutation.  

Hello tears of gratitude and realization.  

Let me just say I would much rather endure HG than have my daughter endure Lyme Disease and the negative outcomes associated with it.

So, thank you body for managing to protect my daughter from Lyme while also growing a healthy baby when I was malnourished and incapacitated.        

I don't know how I managed to pull that off but I am eternally grateful.  

Photo of my daughter and I
Taken by my cousin April Albright

Grandpa Howard and the Meaning of Family

He leaned toward the center of the table with smiling blue eyes and said "You know you're not really my granddaughter, right?"

We were in the church basement for potluck and I paused eating my Jello salad.

"Yes." I said.

He continued, "We have different last names but no one pays attention to it and it doesn't matter."

My grandpa smiled and I returned my attention to the Jello Salad.  It had mini-marshmallows and Cool Whip; it was the highlight of potluck. As a smallish girl of 5 or 6 years old, mini-marshmallows took the sting out of getting up early and going to church.

Grandpa Howard was my grandpa by marriage.  My grandma's first husband, my dad's biological father, died in a hunting accident when my dad was around 4 years old.  Grandma Lois was alone with two young children.  She also had epilepsy with frequent seizures.  I don't know how she carried on.

Grandma wasn't alone for long, though.  About year after her first husband passed away, she married Grandpa Howard.  Grandpa said that when he was courting my grandma "she was as shy as a bunny rabbit." He brought her a bouquet of carrots.

Her response to any of his stories, including this one, was to declare "Oh, HowARD!" and wave her hand at him, as if she was trying to shoo him away like a fly.

Now that I think about it, when my husband says something outrageous, I say "Oh, honEY!" and wave my hand at him as I were trying to shoo him away like a fly.

Grandpa was strict when he was raising my dad and his older sister but he wasn't with me or my brother.

He let us tag along when he was picking rocks out of the fields before planting.  The fields in Northern Minnesota always have rocks that need to be picked before planting.

Grandpa & my brother on the tractor in 1983

Grandpa had an old Ford tractor and a trailer he made from scraps.

When we got a full load and emptied it, we would go home and have ice cream and mince meat.

Mince meat, in case you didn't know if pulverized meat of some sort, usually venison or beef or both, mixed with ground up candied fruit.

Gross.  I can't believe we ate that.

But Grandpa liked it, so we did too.

Sometimes my grandma would have a freshly baked cake and we would go pick strawberries so that we could have strawberries and ice cream with the cake.

Me, walking by the clothes line at my
grandparent's home.  1991 or so.

There was a strawberry patch growing next to their little house.  Their house was originally intended to be a wood shed and chicken coop.  The Great Depression hit before Grandpa's family could build the house they planned, so they turned the wood shed/chicken coop into a house.  My grandpa lived there his entire life.

Grandpa also had a big garden and he didn't get mad if we ate the snap peas.  My brother and I would help take care of the garden as well.

He taught me the value of hard work.

And the importance of rewarding yourself for hard work.

He taught me the importance of having a garden.

And the importance of sharing the harvest.

He taught me the importance of family.

And the importance of knowing that family is not just blood, it is who you choose to love.

Tardigrade and Resilience

Photo from www.bbc.com 
http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20150313-the-toughest-animals-on-earth

The tardigrade, or water bear, is a microscopic animal.  It is water dwelling, eight-legged and segmented.

They are my second favorite animal.

Giraffe at the Oregon Zoo
photo by S. Clark 

Giraffes are my first favorite animal and they are unlikely to ever be removed from their first place position.

They came to me in a dream during a very stressful period of my life. The feeling in the dream was peace and contentment, which is something I definitely didn't have at the time.

I vowed to find that peace and contentment in my real life and used Giraffes as visual reminders of that goal. I now have giraffe stuffed animals, pictures, blankets, figurines and assorted ephemera.  I even have a 5 foot tall stuff giraffe that hangs out in my living room, next to the chinchilla cage.    

But tardigrade just bumped Okapi's from second place.  Okapi's are giraffes' only living relative. They look like a horse zebra hybrid with velvety ears and a long tongue.  I think they are much cuter than a tardigrade.

Photo from https://www.africananimalday.org/animals/okapi

But...

Tardigrade are such survivors!

They can survive in space, on their own.  Scientists sent a bunch of them into space, sans little space suits and many of them came back alive.  Some of the females even laid eggs, which hatched and resulted in healthy babies. Did I mention this happened in outer space with no oxygen or anything that is supposed to support life?

They can live through temperatures ranging from −458 °F (close to absolute zero) to about 300 °F.   

If a tardigrade finds itself in an environment without water, it sorta dehydrates and it waits until better conditions return.  Or sometimes the wind blows the dried up little husk to a better environment.

Then it re-hydrates.

They exemplify resilience.  

Their capacity for recovery is unparalleled.  

Interestingly, recent research suggests that this is because they have absorbed DNA from other species.  I didn't know this was actually possible but evidently even humans have some DNA that have been absorbed from bacteria or viruses.  

Science is weird.

Tardigrades are my second favorite animal because of this amazing resiliency. Tardigrades now serve as a reminder that I can be resilient.  

I've been thinking about resilience a lot lately.

My husband was just diagnosed with Lyme Disease.

My daughter might have Lyme Disease.  We won't know for a couple more weeks when the test results come back.

We are going to need to be resilient AF.

For those of you not in the know, "AF" stands for "as f*ck."  AF is something the hip, young people on the internet use.

I'm not hip or young but AF seems appropriate.

This illness creates limitations and we cannot possibly carry on with our usual lives.

I wish I could just absorb some DNA that would up my resiliency but as a human I have to make an effort.

So, we are going to have to identify what factors we can control, those we can't and use our resources accordingly.

We are going to take tardigrade as our mascot and survive the extremes that life hands us.

Because that mofo is resilient AF.