Back to the Grind

Tomorrow it all begins again.  After two delicious weeks off of work, tomorrow I go back.  Tomorrow my daughter goes back to school.  I am anxious.  Not because I dislike my work or because there is something especially stressful but because of the schedule.  Rather than getting up when we are rested, eating when we are hungry, doing what interests us at the moment, we must conform to the rigors of a schedule.  Up in time to get to work and school, eat when there is a gap in your schedule to do so, doing what is prescribed for that moment, there isn't much of an option for each day.

Not that I dislike routine.  I really appreciate routine and pretty naturally establish routines, but that is different than a schedules.  Routines are more like gentle suggestions.  Schedules are cruel task masters.  The sad thing is, my schedule is so much easier than it used to be and it is much, much easier than what most people deal with.  No wonder stress is a national epidemic. 
 Historically, when I have started to feel out of control, I attempt to exert control over my external circumstances.  It is often still my first impulse. My initial thought after I identified feeling anxious and the source of the anxiety was to get a bunch of stuff done.  If I get the laundry or housecleaning done, I have less to do in the upcoming week.  That sounds logical.  However, I often just work myself into a frenzy and become exhausted.

Instead, I am going to focus on cultivating inner peace.  I know that sounds Zen-like and you may have visions of meditating on a mountain top.  Unfortunately, inner peace and I are not really close personal friends.  We are acquaintances.  I am going to use my current anxiety as an opportunity to develop a closer friendship with internal peace. 

Which is why I am writing this blog, why I will walk my dog, why I spend time playing with my daughter and watching football with my husband.  Those things help me feel calm and grounded.  Those things will help me have an easier week because I will be balanced, not exhausted.  Hypothetically, I could have a spotless house and exert perfect control over my circumstances.  (I have a St. Bernard and a six year old, so you know this is really only a hypothetical!).  I am pretty sure I would still be anxious though.  My anxiety is not actually based what is done or not done.  It is not even fully based on what I do every day.  It is based on how I think about my life and how I treat myself.

Life with a schedule, life with expectations other than to be, create opportunities for failure.  One of my hardest tasks, emotionally, is to be accepting of myself when I make mistakes. I have always been a perfectionist.  Rather than attempting to achieve perfection in my week, I am going to focus on balance.  I am going to focus on self-acceptance.  I am going to focus on listening to why the anxiety is present and address that, rather than attempt to control external circumstances.  A closer friendship with peace and letting go of perfectionism is on the agenda and my schedule is going to help get me there.

Thank-you horrible schedule.  Thank-you anxiety. 

Resolved

I am not much for New Year's resolutions.  Life is constantly changing, every day and even every minute if you look at the cellular level.  I figure I need to resolve different things at different times depending on what is happening in my life.  However, on two instances, in my memory, have I made a New Year's Resolution.  The first was December 31st, 2004.  I was with my dad, step-mom, first husband and four younger siblings.  I had just finished graduate school and my husband and I had moved to the Pacific Northwest.  I resolved that year "To grab life by the horns."

And grab I did.  Five months after that I determined that my marriage was dead and, in fact, had been dead so long that it was rotting.  I left the marriage and started dating someone new approximately 30 seconds after that.  Five months after that I moved in with the someone new and 7 months after that I was pregnant.  I am still with the someone new.  He's not so new, now, but it feels like it was just yesterday, so he's new to me!  We got married when our daughter was 8 months old.

Also, during the last six months of 2005, I did the following: I studied for and passed the licensing exams to be a licensed clinical psychologist, I went on 4 weekend get aways, got a puppy, grew a garden, dyed my hair, made new friends, filed for divorce, updated the someone new's house so I could move in, got two pet rats and got two pet mice.

Fast forward to 2011.  I hadn't made a resolution since New Year's Eve 2004.  I determined that it was time to "Grab the bull by the horns again."   In 2012, I didn't as much as 2005, but it was a lot, nonetheless.  For financial purposes, my husband and I got a legal separation that year (you can read a little about that here).  I left the group practice after 9 years and started a smaller solo practice.  I also stopped adding children to my client load because I was burned out.  My daughter started Kindergarten.  My husband and I finished paying off $40,000 in credit card debt ($36,000 was accrued when I was pregnant because I was very ill but that is a very long, separate story).  We also bought a house and moved.

I didn't resolve anything for 2013 except to adjust to 2012's changes!   I also haven't resolved to do anything in particular for 2014.  I need to exercise more and I plan to write more.  But those two resolutions are not new, I've been working on those for the last 12 months and will continue working on them.  Otherwise, I am going to continue with the day to day resolutions.  I figure I can leave the bull alone for 5 years give or take!