Badger Dog

I was minding my own business, soaking in the tub with a good book when my husband walked in to the bathroom.

Him:  "Gbeflkdgoh fegledabadf dying."

Me: "What?"

The fan was on and it was hard to hear him.

Him:  "I think Kona is dying."

Me:  "What?! Why?"

Kona Bear

I'm feeling alarmed. It is not everyday that my husband announces one of our animals is dying.

Him: "She is not eating."

Now I am really feeling concerned.  Kona is an eating machine.  She is a 120 pound St. Bernard and in the 3 1/2 years that we've had her she has never, not one time been not hungry.

She ate an entire roasted chicken once and it did not disrupt her digestion in the least.  She ate an entire roast in one gulp.  Appetite entirely intact.  She eats garbage and rarely has a problem.

Occasionally she will eat something that disagrees with her but she barfs it out and carries on merrily waiting for the next opportunity to counter surf or dumpster dive.

Lack of appetite is a concern.

Me:  "She did get in the garbage yesterday but that doesn't usually bother her."

Him: "I dunno.  I'll go look at her."

A few minutes passed and my husband returned.

Him:  "Never mind.  Bella is the reason why she is not eating."

Me: "Oh."

Bella is our 20 pound Dachshund mix.

Bella Bean

In case you didn't know Dachshund means "Badger Dog" in German.  They were bred to hunt down and kill badgers.

We're pretty short of badgers around these parts so Bella makes do with other activities such as chasing Kona away from her food dish, barking maniacally at the squirrels or leaves or birds, and attempting to kill herself by dashing into the road.

For relaxation she obsessively licks Kona's ears and eyes. If I am so cruel as to stop her from doing that, she then obsessively licks her paws or her butt or the upholstery or my comforter.

She's really intense.

I don't know what I was thinking.  I'm a mixed breed of German descent myself and that is really enough intensity for one house.

I don't obsessively lick things but I definitely have strong ideas about how things should work.  We frequently disagree.

I, for instance, think it is a stunningly poor idea to run into the road.  She would make this her primary hobby if we let her.  I've managed to convince her that when I tell her to sit and stay that running out the door is not the thing to do but, if the door is opened and she hasn't been issued prior instructions, out she goes!

For added fun, Kona has recently figured out that if she bonks the screen door with her nose with enough force she can open it.

Kona has a blood feud with the next door neighbor's dogs, so she immediately runs over to the fence to start hurling obscenities.  Her co-conspirator immediately runs into the road.

The humans channel Usain Bolt and sprint up the driveway into the road.  I've never been able to catch Bella easily.  I pretty much have to run her down and corner her.

My husband discovered that if he acts like the guy in Jurassic Park does when he is confronting the pack of velociraptors, Bella will roll onto her back.

I don't know what that's about.

There's never a dull moment around here.

I've got to go though, Bella is pawing at my arm and whining urgently.  There is something highly distressing to her that I must address immediately.