The Struggle Before the Flight

from http://bohemianwornest.tumblr.com/search/butterfly

Imagine a chrysalis, you know, the cocoon thing that butterflies come out of?  

You're in a garden and you notice that one is is partly open and you see a butterfly struggling to get out. 

You watch for a while and it seems to be making very little progress.  

You are worried about the little guy, what if it never makes it out?  

What if it dies?  

So, you carefully peel back the chrysalis and the butterfly is finally free.  You expect now it will fly away.  

You leave, happily assuming that you have helped nature along a little bit.

Unfortunately, you haven't.  

Instead, you have eliminated an experience that the butterfly needs in order to be whole and functional.  The butterfly's struggle is a necessary part of its development.  Without fighting its way out of the chrysalis, it loses its opportunity to gain the strength necessary to fly.

So it is with people.  

It is not uncommon for me to meet with a new client who is seeking treatment because they are experiencing high levels of stress or anxiety or depression.

Further investigation reveals that this person, most often a women, but sometimes a man, are stressed, overwhelmed and in a chronic state of panic because they are constantly bailing someone, or several someones, out of trouble. 

Not the kind of trouble that happens because life is hard and stuff happens.  

The kind of trouble that happens when someone is constantly making bad choices.  The kind of trouble that happens with a drug, alcohol or gambling habit.  Or the kind of trouble that comes from being consistently irresponsible. 

Consequently, the helper is overwhelmed and their emotional, physical and financial resources are depleted. What little they do have gets quickly used up by those they are helping.  The help they provide others means they have few resources to help themselves.  

Why? Why would someone consistently bail their loved one out of such irresponsible behavior over and over again?  Especially as such a cost to themselves?  

Codependency.  

Codependency is a state of being or a set of behaviors found in the partner or family members of people with addiction, mental illness or other extremely dysfunctional behaviors.  

Wikipedia actually has a good definition:

"Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity."

A codependent person will, time and time again, bail their loved one out of dealing with the consequences of his or her choices.  They do this because they are caring people who want the best for their loved one.  They genuinely don't want their family member to suffer.

BUT...a codependent person also does it because they are anxious. 

The thought of their child or sibling or whoever out on the streets or hungry creates so much anxiety that they fix the situation.  

I get that.  

There is very little that is more distressing than having a loved one suffer. It is harder than our own, personal suffering.  

Despite the anxiety inherent in not fixing the situation, it is important for the growth of the other individual to not be bailed out.  They need the opportunity to grow.  

Yes, opportunity to grow.  

I realize that this might be counter-intuitive but there is a segment of the population that won't learn to make good decisions until they have had to suffer the consequences of the bad decisions.

Now, I am not talking about turning away your daughter who got laid off after 5 years of employment.  Nor am I saying that you shouldn't buy groceries for the struggling single parent who is really doing the best they can.  

What I am saying is that if there is someone who consistently makes poor decisions, you are not doing them any favors by fixing the situation. Because they never face the consequences of their choices, they continue down the same path protected from learning that those choices cause problems.  

If you are working harder than the person you are "helping" it is not actually help at all.

Like helping the butterfly, codependency appears as help but removes the opportunity others need to learn and grow.  

Give your loved ones an opportunity to grow.  It is worth it in the long run.