Dingy Whites: Or How We Are Shaped By Our Beliefs and Expectations

Do you remember this commercial?

I do.

Only I didn't remember that I remembered it until I was folding laundry.  

That's because of these shirts.  The shirt on the bottom is one of my husband's thermal  shirts that he has had for a while. The shirt on top is brand new.

I cringed when I saw the old shirt because it was just so gross and embarrassing. 

I pointed this out to my husband and he shrugged.  He's not the kind of guy that cares about clothes.  

He works from home so he mostly wears thermal shirts and fleece pj bottoms.  Getting "dressed up" involves blue jeans and a clean t-shirt.  

Then I got to thinking. Where in the world did I get this idea that bright white clothes were even a thing?  Why was I embarrassed by a shirt?    

80's commercial television, that's where.  

I was a kid in the 80's and I wasn't even paying attention to detergent commercials.  

But they were there, establishing a set of beliefs I didn't even know I had.

The belief that dingy whites are gross and embarrassing.

Admittedly, this isn't that big of a deal.  I can either get over it or I can start using Oxydol.  

However, our underlying beliefs and expectations about ourselves and the world we live in are a big deal.

These beliefs and expectations shape how we feel about ourselves, other people, our homes, our jobs, our country and our world.  

If I have the belief that other people are mostly out for themselves; self-absorbed jerks who don't care- then my interactions with others will feel hostile.  I will interpret the unfriendly cashier at the grocery store as being intentionally hurtful. 

That is the kind of stuff that ruins days.  

If I approach that same situation with the mindset that everyone is just doing the best they can, then I interpret the behavior of the grumpy cashier much differently.  Changing my expectation changes how I interpret the situation. This allows me to see that the grumpy cashier is tired and having a bad day.

This applies to each and every interaction we have, including our interactions with ourselves.

If I believe that I am stupid, then I interpret the mishaps that occur every day, such as losing my keys, as evidence that I am stupid. 

That is also the kind of stuff that ruins days.  Give it enough time and those kind of thoughts also create depression and anxiety.   

If I believe I am capable, then I interpret those same mishaps much differently. Losing my keys is just something that happens and I don't devote much emotional energy to it.  

This sounds fairly straight forward, right?  

Unfortunately, like my unhappiness with dingy whites, many of our beliefs are unconscious.  They were "programmed" into our brains before we even started Kindergarten.  We are constantly receiving messages about what to believe and expect.  

If our beliefs and expectations are not healthy or are not accurate, it creates a lot of distress.  

So how can you figure out your unconscious beliefs and expectations?

A good place to start is to be aware when you have an emotional reaction to a situation that is stronger than seems reasonable.  

Going back to the dingy whites example, it was weird that seeing the difference between the two shirts made me feel embarrassed.  This prompted me to spend more time thinking about where that feeling came from.  

Or if you are consistently feeling disappointed, you might want to check your expectations.  Feeling frequently disappointed is a sign that your expectations are too high.  Adjusting your expectations can dramatically improve your emotional experiences.

Also, the books When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life and Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy are helpful in identifying and changing underlying thought processes that are not helpful.  

Therapy is also a valuable tool in learning more about your underlying beliefs and expectations.  Most primary care providers can make referrals to good therapists in your area.  

Thoughts underlie our feelings so it is important to figure out how to wrangle them.  

For my part, I've decided the whites are just going to be dingy because I don't want to spend any more time on the laundry than I already do!  



  

Back to Normal

"We'll get back to normal," I tell myself.  

"Our life won't be like this forever, we will have our normal life again," I reassure myself as we have gone through treatment for Lyme Disease.  

I am two years and two months into my treatment.  My husband is one year and eight months into his treatment.  

We weren't well before our diagnoses and were gradually getting worse, so a diagnosis was a relief.  

But treatment also made our symptoms, and therefore our functioning, worse.  

The process of killing off the bacteria that causes Lyme Disease really wreaks havoc on the body.  In the short term this made everything worse.  

So, I kept telling myself we would be back to normal when we were done with treatment.  

However, as I am feeling better and approaching the end of my treatment, I realize that we won't be getting back to normal.  

The life we had before Lyme has been erased.  The passage of time alone is enough to make our lives different.

However, the consequences of treatment, both good and bad ensure that the old normal will never be had again.  

Instead we will be developing a new normal.  

And so it is for all of life's changes.  

The new normal could be an improvement or not, depending on how we navigate the events leading to the new normal.

In our case, we have developed a life that includes only the essentials.  Energy is a precious resource and we learned to use it on the important things.  Non-essential activities fell by the wayside.  

If it was something we loved, we hung on to it as much as possible.  If it wasn't necessary or wanted, it was tossed.  

Clothing that required special handling? Gone.

Folding underwear?  Not any more.

Obsessing about the house and scrubbing the tile with a toothbrush? To the curb.  

Unnecessary social activities?  100% out.  

Also, other people's poor planning or lousy choices are no longer our emergency.  

I used to have a huge problem bailing family members out of various crises.  Not so much anymore.  I'm still tempted but if no one is dying and they are experiencing the consequences of their actions, I'm out.    

I've had the opportunity to become more balanced in my approach to life.  I have more reasonable expectations and I am less of a perfectionist.  I've also learned to rest.  Being idle was nearly impossible for me at the start of this process.  I am so much better at just enjoying life.    

My husband has the opportunity to discover interests and parts of himself he wasn't able to explore in his younger years.  He has realized that he enjoys photography and being outdoors.  He has also realized that he has a tendency to run himself into the ground.  Being sick has created an opportunity for him to learn to take care of himself, to say no and respect his limitations.  

And, that is the thing.  Every event in our lives is an opportunity.  We can use it to grow or we can simply suffer.  

It is all in how we look at it.  

My initial mindset was "Why me?"  It quickly became evident that the "why me?" mindset wasn't helpful.

What was helpful was asking "What is essential? What can go?  What opportunities are here for me to be a better person? What can I learn?  What strategy can I try? Do I have reasonable expectations? Do I need to ask for help?  Do I need to rest?"

That approach got me through the worst of the symptoms and will help me develop a new normal.  

I'm excited to learn more about our new normal as we complete our treatment.  

Acting As Though All Is Well

Recently two well-known individuals, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain died by suicide.  Honestly, I don't know much about either of these people.

But I can tell you that they were amazing actors.

Depression creates some of the best actors in the world.

A friend of Kate Spade, Fern Mallis, stated that she was "the last person on earth you'd think would take their life."  

Of Anthony Bourdain, “He was normal, normal. Just like himself,” chef Jean-Yves Schillinger stated.  

Those closest to them echo the same refrain- they had no idea, it was a total shock, it was incomprehensible.

Yes, yes and yes.  

Because of stigma, cultural norms and often the desire to not worry loved ones; people with depression put on a happy face and carry on (more about that here). 

Depression feels like walking through life with your feet stuck in buckets of hardened cement while having someone tag along narrating every single thing you are doing wrong, how hopeless everything is, how pointless life is, how nothing will ever be better, how much better the universe would be if you were no longer breathing.  

At very least, the narrator whispers that death is the only way to escape the pain.

Suicide doesn't occur in a vacuum, it happens when the pain gets too high and hope disappears.  

There is no space in our world for these feelings to be openly expressed.  

What we get is bullshit like "look on the bright side," "but so many have it worse," and my personal favorite "have you tried praying?"  

The latter was said to me while I was sobbing hysterically in my dorm room my freshman year of college.

I was attending a Christian college, had been raised in a Christian home and at the point identified as Christian.  Of course I'd tried praying.  What the fuck else would I do?    

My depression is the result of Bipolar Affective Disorder Type II (click here for more information). I was diagnosed at age 19, started Prozac at age 20 and have been on an anti-depressant for 23 years (more on on my journey here and here).   

I have experienced severe depression but only fleeting suicidal ideation.  I have also had times where I felt like my daughter would be better off if I let her be raised by her dad and I moved far, far away.    

Other's are not so lucky.  Their depression becomes so severe that they believe the best option, the only option is death.  Many suicidal people even believe that their family members would be better off if they were dead.  

So, we slog through life.  We put on a happy face.  We do well at work or school.  We go through the motions. 

I got straight A's, was president of the psychology honor society and had many friends while severely depressed.  I've showed up at my job as a psychologist, severely depressed and helped other depressed people.   

We act like we do not have a mental illness. 

Brilliantly acting as though all is well.   

Until we are so exhausted that we can no longer put one heavy foot in front of the other.

Some of us let someone in enough to help us access treatment. On average, people wait approximately 10 years before even seeking treatment.  I cried on the phone to my mom every evening for months and she eventually determined that it wasn't just homesickness.  She got me an appointment with the school counselor which started my journey of managing my mental illness.

Others of us need someone to ask "How are you really doing?"  "Are you depressed?"  "Do you think of dying?"  "Do you want to kill yourself?"

Asking won't hurt.  It might open a door for someone who can't do it themselves.  Mentioning suicide will not cause someone to be suicidal. 

Asking creates a space for acknowledging painful feelings.  Having it spoken creates a sense of relief.

Because you know you are not alone.  
Because you can stop the act.  

Just ask. 
Just speak it.  
Create the space. 

If you have depression or are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help.  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

For more information about how to help people struggling with mental illness please go to https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/

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