Acting As Though All Is Well

Recently two well-known individuals, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain died by suicide.  Honestly, I don't know much about either of these people.

But I can tell you that they were amazing actors.

Depression creates some of the best actors in the world.

A friend of Kate Spade, Fern Mallis, stated that she was "the last person on earth you'd think would take their life."  

Of Anthony Bourdain, “He was normal, normal. Just like himself,” chef Jean-Yves Schillinger stated.  

Those closest to them echo the same refrain- they had no idea, it was a total shock, it was incomprehensible.

Yes, yes and yes.  

Because of stigma, cultural norms and often the desire to not worry loved ones; people with depression put on a happy face and carry on (more about that here). 

Depression feels like walking through life with your feet stuck in buckets of hardened cement while having someone tag along narrating every single thing you are doing wrong, how hopeless everything is, how pointless life is, how nothing will ever be better, how much better the universe would be if you were no longer breathing.  

At very least, the narrator whispers that death is the only way to escape the pain.

Suicide doesn't occur in a vacuum, it happens when the pain gets too high and hope disappears.  

There is no space in our world for these feelings to be openly expressed.  

What we get is bullshit like "look on the bright side," "but so many have it worse," and my personal favorite "have you tried praying?"  

The latter was said to me while I was sobbing hysterically in my dorm room my freshman year of college.

I was attending a Christian college, had been raised in a Christian home and at the point identified as Christian.  Of course I'd tried praying.  What the fuck else would I do?    

My depression is the result of Bipolar Affective Disorder Type II (click here for more information). I was diagnosed at age 19, started Prozac at age 20 and have been on an anti-depressant for 23 years (more on on my journey here and here).   

I have experienced severe depression but only fleeting suicidal ideation.  I have also had times where I felt like my daughter would be better off if I let her be raised by her dad and I moved far, far away.    

Other's are not so lucky.  Their depression becomes so severe that they believe the best option, the only option is death.  Many suicidal people even believe that their family members would be better off if they were dead.  

So, we slog through life.  We put on a happy face.  We do well at work or school.  We go through the motions. 

I got straight A's, was president of the psychology honor society and had many friends while severely depressed.  I've showed up at my job as a psychologist, severely depressed and helped other depressed people.   

We act like we do not have a mental illness. 

Brilliantly acting as though all is well.   

Until we are so exhausted that we can no longer put one heavy foot in front of the other.

Some of us let someone in enough to help us access treatment. On average, people wait approximately 10 years before even seeking treatment.  I cried on the phone to my mom every evening for months and she eventually determined that it wasn't just homesickness.  She got me an appointment with the school counselor which started my journey of managing my mental illness.

Others of us need someone to ask "How are you really doing?"  "Are you depressed?"  "Do you think of dying?"  "Do you want to kill yourself?"

Asking won't hurt.  It might open a door for someone who can't do it themselves.  Mentioning suicide will not cause someone to be suicidal. 

Asking creates a space for acknowledging painful feelings.  Having it spoken creates a sense of relief.

Because you know you are not alone.  
Because you can stop the act.  

Just ask. 
Just speak it.  
Create the space. 

If you have depression or are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help.  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

For more information about how to help people struggling with mental illness please go to https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/