Dingy Whites: Or How We Are Shaped By Our Beliefs and Expectations

Do you remember this commercial?

I do.

Only I didn't remember that I remembered it until I was folding laundry.  

That's because of these shirts.  The shirt on the bottom is one of my husband's thermal  shirts that he has had for a while. The shirt on top is brand new.

I cringed when I saw the old shirt because it was just so gross and embarrassing. 

I pointed this out to my husband and he shrugged.  He's not the kind of guy that cares about clothes.  

He works from home so he mostly wears thermal shirts and fleece pj bottoms.  Getting "dressed up" involves blue jeans and a clean t-shirt.  

Then I got to thinking. Where in the world did I get this idea that bright white clothes were even a thing?  Why was I embarrassed by a shirt?    

80's commercial television, that's where.  

I was a kid in the 80's and I wasn't even paying attention to detergent commercials.  

But they were there, establishing a set of beliefs I didn't even know I had.

The belief that dingy whites are gross and embarrassing.

Admittedly, this isn't that big of a deal.  I can either get over it or I can start using Oxydol.  

However, our underlying beliefs and expectations about ourselves and the world we live in are a big deal.

These beliefs and expectations shape how we feel about ourselves, other people, our homes, our jobs, our country and our world.  

If I have the belief that other people are mostly out for themselves; self-absorbed jerks who don't care- then my interactions with others will feel hostile.  I will interpret the unfriendly cashier at the grocery store as being intentionally hurtful. 

That is the kind of stuff that ruins days.  

If I approach that same situation with the mindset that everyone is just doing the best they can, then I interpret the behavior of the grumpy cashier much differently.  Changing my expectation changes how I interpret the situation. This allows me to see that the grumpy cashier is tired and having a bad day.

This applies to each and every interaction we have, including our interactions with ourselves.

If I believe that I am stupid, then I interpret the mishaps that occur every day, such as losing my keys, as evidence that I am stupid. 

That is also the kind of stuff that ruins days.  Give it enough time and those kind of thoughts also create depression and anxiety.   

If I believe I am capable, then I interpret those same mishaps much differently. Losing my keys is just something that happens and I don't devote much emotional energy to it.  

This sounds fairly straight forward, right?  

Unfortunately, like my unhappiness with dingy whites, many of our beliefs are unconscious.  They were "programmed" into our brains before we even started Kindergarten.  We are constantly receiving messages about what to believe and expect.  

If our beliefs and expectations are not healthy or are not accurate, it creates a lot of distress.  

So how can you figure out your unconscious beliefs and expectations?

A good place to start is to be aware when you have an emotional reaction to a situation that is stronger than seems reasonable.  

Going back to the dingy whites example, it was weird that seeing the difference between the two shirts made me feel embarrassed.  This prompted me to spend more time thinking about where that feeling came from.  

Or if you are consistently feeling disappointed, you might want to check your expectations.  Feeling frequently disappointed is a sign that your expectations are too high.  Adjusting your expectations can dramatically improve your emotional experiences.

Also, the books When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life and Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy are helpful in identifying and changing underlying thought processes that are not helpful.  

Therapy is also a valuable tool in learning more about your underlying beliefs and expectations.  Most primary care providers can make referrals to good therapists in your area.  

Thoughts underlie our feelings so it is important to figure out how to wrangle them.  

For my part, I've decided the whites are just going to be dingy because I don't want to spend any more time on the laundry than I already do!