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| 10/08/06-16 weeks pregnant, still not sure why I smiled in these pictures! |
When I was 19 years old, I was
diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and prescribed an
anti-depressant, Prozac. I eventually switched over to Celexa and
Wellbuturin. This combination helped significantly, although I often
had mild to moderate symptoms during the winter months. Prior to
being pregnant, when I thought I would plan my
pregnancy, I decided I would gradually wean off my medication
because it would be better for the developing baby. Best laid plans
and all that. I couldn't hold anything down long enough to absorb it
into my system. I stopped taking my medication very abruptly, which
is the worst way to do it.
The abrupt decrease of anti-depressants
in my system and the unrelenting illness sent my mood spiraling. If
I wasn't sleeping or vomiting, I was crying. I didn't feel suicidal,
but I wasn't exactly thrilled with being alive, either. The
helplessness and hopelessness caused by being sick was compounded by
not having an anti-depressant in my system. It was brutal but there
wasn't much we could do.
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| My buddy, Sully. |
Once I started taking the anti-nausea
medication, Phenergan, and I'd had a respite in the vomiting my mood improved
significantly. I was able to sit on the porch or on a lawn chair in
the front yard, accompanied by my dog, Sully. I was able to talk on
the phone and check in with an on-line support group. I was
concerned about my depression, so I met with a psychiatrist. We
determined that I would try to manage my mood with supplements. That
didn't last long.
My boyfriend and I had a very necessary
discussion on finances. The stress and upset of that conversation
triggered nausea and before I knew it the vomit had returned. Then I
didn't just cry, I wailed. Loudly enough that my boyfriend had to
step outside to make an emergency call to his mother. Even then, he
could still hear me. My fragile sense of well-being was completely
shattered. After his mom came over and talked me down, we determined
that a new plan was necessary to deal with my depression. After
another appointment with the psychiatrist, I started taking Prozac
again. He explained that there was little chance it would cause
permanent harm to the baby. Being severely depressed could cause
harm to the baby and it was important to have me as functional as
possible.
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| The second sonogram, showing the "bubble" in my belly. |
Around the fifth month, I was able
to walk and drive in a car without vomiting. I was so physically
destroyed that walking from one end of the grocery store to other
exhausted me for days afterward. I had to be careful though, too
much exertion would cause, you guessed it, nausea and vomiting. It
was worth it though. After being confined to my bed for three months
and only my home for an additional two months, everything seemed
amazing. I was in awe of the colors and a trip to Michael's Craft
Store was a wonderland. The beads and ribbons and pretty papers and
flowers and stickers were the most wonderful things I had ever seen.
It was like being reborn. I truly can't describe how spectacular
everything appeared.
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| Our Tiny Dancer looked a lot like her momma! That is my baby picture on the upper right. |
In October we had another sonogram to ensure that the baby was developing normally. The technician was able to determine that we were having a girl! We got a picture of her profile, which was very familiar to my mom. She sent a picture taken of me when I was about 1 week old. Our baby looked like her momma! And, I felt the baby move for the first time. It felt like a little bubble rolling back and forth across the inside of my abdomen. It was like a bubble of renewed hope.
