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| Heavy weight boxer size: Christmas 2006 |
Despite my improved mood and ability to
eat, the pregnancy continued to be difficult, only in reverse. Once
I started consuming a normal amount of calories on a regular basis,
my metabolism realized nutrition was available. The immediate
response my body made to the calories was to begin gaining weight
very rapidly. Lots of weight, 65 pounds. Every fat cell in my body
heaved a big sigh of relief and began to dramatically increase in
size. If they hadn't been so starved, literally, they probably would
have thrown a party! Instead my friendly fat cells had to make do
with increasing my girth.
 |
| For purposes of comparison: me summer 2005 |
 |
| If you look carefully there is a tattoo on my lower back, I am proud to say, I didn't gain weight there! My tattoo is still beautiful! |
By the time I reached the final month
of my pregnancy, I weighed 185 pounds, as much as a heavy weight
boxer. I think that doctors believe 30 pounds of weight gain during
pregnancy is “healthy.” I exceeded that, by far. However, I
don't remember my doctor ever saying a word about my weight being too
much. It wouldn't have mattered what he said, anyhow. My metabolism
had it's own ideas about my weight and I certainly wasn't going to
restrict calories to limit weight gain at this point.
We were well and truly screwed
financially. As a psychologist in private practice, I only earned an
income when I saw clients. Because I self-employed, I didn't qualify
unemployment or disability income. I also had to pay for business
expenses because I still had office space and a contract with the
group practice I joined after finishing school. To make matters
worse, I had only been working as a licensed psychologist six months
when I got pregnant and had massive student loan debt. There was no
such thing as an “emergency savings account.” There were
“emergency credit cards” instead!
Had I known how severely ill I would
be, I could have taken steps to end my contract with the group
practice. However, I was expecting a “normal” pregnancy with
“normal” morning sickness. I kept expecting that I would be
better any time. I didn't get better and by the time I figured that
out, ending my contract didn't make much sense. We were racking up
significant debt. Living expenses and medical costs went on a credit
card. Or, I should probably say, several credit cards. Including
the time I took off for maternity leave, we accrued $43,000 in debt.
(My daughter was a very expensive project; We got her all paid off
about a year ago!)
Because of the mounting debt, I had to
return to work as soon as possible. I went back to work in the
middle of October 2006. My doctor wouldn't even let me entertain the
idea of working more than 15 hours per week, which was only enough to
offset some business expenses. So, I spent four or five months
lumbering to work three days a week, five clients per day. It felt
good to be engaged in the world and doing something other than
vomiting. My clients and coworkers were incredibly supportive. Life
felt a little bit closer to normal.
I had to be very, very, careful,
though. I had to be sure to rest enough, eat at the right time, eat
the correct food and take my medication exactly as prescribed. Any
deviation from those boundaries and I was immediately nauseated. The
nausea acted as a warning sign that vomiting was on it's way. I
heeded it's warning so well that there was no vomiting from October
2006 until the day I delivered my daughter.
I still didn't have any warm fuzzy
feelings and I didn't feel all that connected to my baby. I had more
positive feelings during the last three months than the prior six,
but mostly I wanted my body back. While I was relieved that I hadn't
lost my life, lost my baby, didn't hate my baby or (mostly) hadn't
lost my sanity, I felt like my body had been hijacked. Pregnancy
requires that the mother's body be used to facilitate the growth of
the fetus, so all women are technically hijacked. However, typical
pregnancies compensate for this by releasing happy, feel good
hormones. Any happy hormones floating around in my pregnancy were no
match for HG. I was simply determined to beat HG.
That was my life until
my water broke around 6 am, March 14, 2007.
Part 1
Part 3
Part 4
Part 6 of this pregnancy saga!
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