Talking Body, Part 1

I knew better.  I knew that it wasn't the place to build a foundation.  I endeavored to make something solid and wanted to base my sense of self on something that was going to be a steady.  Something that would be under my control.  

I knew physical beauty is fleeting and a gift given only to the young, even when I was young.  I recognized that my slender body, flat abs and glowing skin were because I won the genetic lottery, not because I was special or better than anyone else.  I resolved to grow old gracefully.  I determined I would embrace the hippie earth mother vibe fully.  No hair dye.  No Botox. No fad diets. Society's obsession with beauty, sexiness, make-overs and all the lot could go fuck itself.


I also fully embraced the idea that liking myself in a society that profited from my self-doubt was an act of rebellion against a toxic environment.  But, let's face it.  It wasn't hard for me to do that.  While I wasn't the ideal woman, you know, a leggy, busty blue-eyed blond bomb shell, I did get pretty lucky in the looks department.  

Yay me!

But knowing that even those of us who win the genetic lottery fade with time, I made efforts to ground myself in something other than my looks and body.

Fail.

Not an epic fail, but a fail none the less.

Still no hair dye and I am still embracing my wrinkles.  I still refuse to diet.

But damn it!  I am gaining weight.  And starting to wonder if maybe I should diet.  All while knowing that there is no way on God's green earth I am going to go on a diet.  I was actively starving to death during the first part of my pregnancy due to Hyperemsis Gravidarum, I am sure as hell not going to restrict food on purpose (more can be read about that here).

Exercise would be helpful but the Lyme disease is making that impossible.  Right now standing more than an hour per day creates so much pain I can't sleep, so that rules out exercise because, you know, I have to use that hour to do things like walk to the bathroom or make dinner for my family.

It has forced me to recognize that while I made a conscious effort to base my self-worth on something else, the idea that I had value because I looked good still managed to sneak in.  Lyme disease has really stripped my psyche down to it's bare bones.

So, as I am gaining weight I am struggling with my body image.  Which is dumb, because even though I am heavier than I was in my 20's and 30's, I look fine.

And as I am struggling with my body image, I am also struggling with feeling good about myself as a person. Which is also dumb because I am so much more than my body.  Or my looks.  Especially my looks.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Now, I'm not dumb but the idea is dumb.  And it is an idea that gets pummeled at us from every freaking angle.  What I am struggling with is what millions of women have struggled with for years.  Little girls are absorbing these messages.  I recently overheard a 9 year old girl say "Yay! I am skinny." NINE YEARS OLD!  I didn't even think about my body when I was 9.  My daughter is currently 9 and I hope she doesn't think about her body except to be kind to it when it needs care.

For those of you who have struggled with body image for a long time, I am so very sorry.  It is not right and it is not fair and you are more than that.  I hesitate to even share about my recent struggles because I know it is so small in comparison to what other women have experienced.

Stupid, insidious, bull-shit messages about beauty and worth.


You can read Talking Body, Part 2 here and Part 3 here